I'm the Dr. Phil of my generation

I had lunch today with the FELD crew, and my...questionable...relationship advice was brought up. As always, Jason referred to the 2:15 Tony incident. I was discussing the whole thing with Sazara this afternoon:

theAlphaJohn: i went to lunch with old coworkers today, and they were making fun of all the (bad) relationship advice that i give
Sazara: LOL
Sazara: TECHIES SHOULD NEVER GIVE ADVICE
theAlphaJohn: one asked what other advice i could give, and i said "christine, you've know me how long? you know i think i know everything, so whatever you need advice on i've got it"
Sazara: so who's on your bad side now that you made them go back into some abusive relationship lol
theAlphaJohn: oh they're never abusive
Sazara: lol good!
theAlphaJohn: basically one of my friends does something wrong and gets in trouble (often because of me), so i advise them on how to fix their mistake
theAlphaJohn: which, if they followed my advice, would just make it worse
Sazara: what a humble man to admit his wrongs lol
theAlphaJohn: i am that guy that no woman wants her man to be friends with
Sazara: ROTFLMBO
Sazara: my poor cheeks are killing me lol
theAlphaJohn: we were remembering a time when a guy i worked with who was married lied to his wife. he said he had to work late so we could lock ourselves in a conference room with a 12 pack and play cards
theAlphaJohn: so he got caught and she was like "don't come home"
Sazara: LOL
theAlphaJohn: at that point i was like "you're already in trouble, let's go to a bar..."
Sazara: RRRRRROOOTTTTFFFLLLLMMMBBBBOOOOOOOOOOO
theAlphaJohn: so finally at 2:15 am on a wed night he goes home (hence his nickname, 2:15 tony"
Sazara: LOL
theAlphaJohn: and i had some...creative advice on how to fix the situation
Sazara: LOL
theAlphaJohn: he was smart enough to cut his losses and grovel
Sazara: what was it?
theAlphaJohn: well at lunch one of my co-conspitators was trying to get me to share the advice in mixed company. i refused
theAlphaJohn: if the FCC won't let me say it on tv or radio...
Sazara: lollllllllllllllllllll
Sazara: smart man!
theAlphaJohn: in reality, of all the things we could have been doing...playing cards in a conference room at the office is so innocent
theAlphaJohn: but he shouldn't have lied to his wife like that
theAlphaJohn: marriage is hard. my poor future ex-wife (whomever she may be)....

After lunch was over, Jason and I went to get coffee at Starbucks. I told him that I'm going to write a book on dating advice called "Buttfuck your way to a happy marriage". Fuck all you haters!

The Week in Pandas

Forget about Paris Hilton's DUI and (Asian-looking) Suri Cruise's pictures in Vanity Fair, this news cycle has been all Pandas, all the time.

First up, the birth of a new cub by artificial insemination at the Zoo in Atlanta.


From Wonkette:

What else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan.

But the incompetent mama panda was somehow inseminated — artificially, like all panda moms, even in the wild — and now there’s a baby panda that experts say is ugly and dumb and obviously no match for Butterstick.

Our Panda birth commentary comes from Justin and Dr. Jason:

[via email]
theAlphaJohn: Jason, did you get your plane ticket yet to see the new panda cub?
Jason: 1st I need to find a Yeti....so I can make some gravy.
theAlphaJohn: I have some leftover in my fridge. Get us a couple danger dogs and we'll meet you at the airport.
Jason: Everyone knows they don't allow yeti gravy on planes.
theAlphaJohn: I'll tell them it's personal lubricant

Next up, the exciting news from China that Giant Panda Mommy Ya Ya dropped and crushed one of her twins:

BEIJING - Staff at a zoo in southwest China are in mourning after a sleep-deprived panda dropped her two-day-old baby and crushed it to death, local media reported on Friday.

“It was very sudden, but also unavoidable,” Guo Wei, panda department chief at Chongqing city zoo in the southwestern region of Chongqing, told the Chongqing Business News daily.

Ya Ya, a seven-year-old panda and new mother of twins, “appeared tired” when nursing the younger cub in a patch of grass, the paper said.

Her head sagged, her paws separated and her baby fell to the ground next to her. The panda then rolled on to her side and crushed her baby beneath her.

The tragedy occurred because she hadn’t slept or eaten properly since giving birth, Guo said, adding that Ya Ya lacked motherhood experience.

According to Guo, the zoo had tried on several occasions to separate the cub from its mother for their safety, but Ya Ya “was very cautious” and would “roar and bare her teeth” at zoo-keepers.

The elder of the twins was in good health and being cared for, zoo officials said.

But Ya Ya had proved inconsolable, wailing and looking for her baby after its body was taken away from her.

“Pandas who lose their young tend to be depressed for a month or so,” Guo said, adding that the zoo would assign people to care for her and provide special food to improve her mood.

First: HA HA! You crushed your chillin!
Second: I love that Panda mothers have crushed so many of their infants to death like this, we have a baseline norm for how they behave.

theAlphaJohn: [link]
Mike: awww
Mike: she should be locked up
Mike: oh, she is.....she's in a zoo
theAlphaJohn: LOL
theAlphaJohn: don't be a hippie
Mike: i crack myself up sometimes.

And for the final word, once again here is Dr. Jason: "ha...this is why they belong with the dinosaurs......"

Concert: Train

As stated previously, Michael, Jason, and I went to a recruiting event for Michael's company at Wolftrap (which was during the Train concert).

We had a little happy hour at Mr. Smith's before we got there, and on our way to get beer once we were inside Wolftrap we ran into Rita and Kevin from FELD, so most of the opening act was spent talking shop.







It was nice for Michael to invite us, and I guess a free concert is a free concert, but maybe next time it will be somebody who doesn't claim that that crowd at Wolftrap is their biggest audience ever.

And maybe next time, I won't leave sober so very far behind...

Concert Preparedness

Lil' Michael Wright is taking Jason and I to see Train at Wolftrap as part of his employer's "Bring a Friend" program (which is a psuedo-recruiting event).

Whatever. A free concert is a free concert. Unless it's Meatloaf. Or Wasp. Or Metallica.

It occured to me this morning that I may not be prepared, so I IM'ed Jason to discuss:

theAlphaJohn: do you know what kind of designer drugs are appropriate for a train concert? i've never been
Jason: lol
Jason: LSD always works nicely
theAlphaJohn: hrmm
theAlphaJohn: i don't think i have any of that
theAlphaJohn: can you run to 7-11 and pick some up?
Jason: i think you can make it out of the 7 year old danager dogs they keep on those rollers
theAlphaJohn: i have had some baked goods at 7-11 that made me hallucinate
theAlphaJohn: although i may have been hallucinating before i ate the baked goods
theAlphaJohn: chicken and the egg problem, like always
theAlphaJohn: will you be wearing your work attire tonight?
Jason: yes
theAlphaJohn: I think I'm going to run home and change
theAlphaJohn: because I have no one to impress
theAlphaJohn: and the kind of sweat hogs that go to see train go ga-ga over my calves ;)
Jason: ha

Stupid Panda trained like commando, sent into forrest

From WTOP News:

BEIJING (AP) - China on Friday released a panda bred in captivity into the wild for the first time, and the animal scampered into a nearby bamboo forest where he will be monitored via satellite.

Xiang Xiang, a 4-year-old male raised at the Wolong Giant Panda Research Center in Sichuan province, was trained for almost three years to survive in the wild, the official Xinhua News Agency said.

(1) Can I add the Panda Channel to my DirecTV subscription?

(2) Why is a third world country training stupid animals that won't even help themselves how to survive in the wild? As Dr. Jason Brooks puts it, "They are stupid animals, and they belong with the dinosaurs."

Xiang Xiang, whose name means auspicious, has learned how to build a den, forage for food and mark his territory, experts at Wolong have said. He has also developed defensive skills like howling and biting.

His training began in 2003 in a 215,000-square-foot open-air facility and he was later transferred to an area 10 times the size to simulate a natural habitat.

(3) Who teaches an animal how to bite? A kindergarten teacher?

This story is so fucking odd.

"Go Alpha John, it's your birthday", sang former 2 Live Crew Frontman Luther Campbell

Mom's cookie bouquet arrived this morning. My cousin Joey sent me a text message, my sister sent me an e-card and an email, and my parents also called me this morning (to see if the cookies arrived). All of you haters who are still at Feld better recognize, the cookie bouquet be chillin in Patriot Circle now.

On the Feld front, Michael has been wishing me Happy Birthday since last week, Lien sent me an email, and Ninja Jason checked in this morning.

Ninja Jason: happy birthday
theAlphaJohn: thank you, butterstick
theAlphaJohn: you know what you're missing today?
Ninja Jason: what's that?
theAlphaJohn: cookie bouquet
Ninja Jason: lol
theAlphaJohn: exactly
theAlphaJohn: what did you get me?
Ninja Jason: a baby panda-doodle
theAlphaJohn: can i smother it?
Ninja Jason: sure
Ninja Jason: and eat it
theAlphaJohn: yum!
theAlphaJohn: here's what im wondering though jason, maybe you can help
theAlphaJohn: what kind of gravy goes with pandadoodle?
Ninja Jason: yeti

Several of my lady friends have already checked in:

From: Susann Miller
To: theAlphaJohn
Subject: RE: your mail
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:00:10 -0600

I honestly don't think I can live without my BB.

-----Original Message-----
To: Susann Miller
From: theAlphaJohn
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2006 11:36 AM
Subject: Re: your mail

----- Miller, Susann wrote: -----
> Happy birthday! At least according to outlook?

Aww...Outlook remembered. ;)
Thanks

> --------------------------
> Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Not for much longer... :)

Susann, Meredith, even Michael's slice Georgette shot me a note this morning. Annie took me to dinner last night after my slack-ass swim class (not hers). George emailed me and asked when we can go out to dinner, I think we're going tonight after swimming, maybe shoot some stick after that.

I'm not used to all this attention, but like the saying goes "live it up, sinner".

Socrates was a cat

All I know is:

-While we are in Mr. Smith's, some guy brushes past Jason, and Michael tells him "go kick his ass"

-Jason leaves

-Several minutes later, the guy who brushed past Jason is taken away in da bambulance.

I can only conclude based on the facts.

Those of you familiar with this event, please check the timestamp on this entry. ;)

The Joy of Home Ownership

Can I go back to renting now?

Jason was so proud of me, I went into Sears to buy a chainsaw:

Sears Dude> Can I help you?
The Alpha John> I need a gas chainsaw
SD> Do you know what size you need?
TAJ> I'll take the big boy

12 hours later and I'm once again tree free. Fuck you nature.