Two BOYS for every SAG...

Trevin and I started a discussion about Dustin Diamond's sex tape, but about 15 lines into the IM it de-evolved into (what else?) a discussion about SAGs.

theAlphaJohn: i see sags almost everywhere i look trevin
Trevin: me too
theAlphaJohn: "hi boy" sings in my head sometimes
Trevin: i actually had a sagging related question the other day - almost called you
Trevin: just came to me
theAlphaJohn: lol
theAlphaJohn: what?
Trevin: if a sag traps a boy...
Trevin: but that boy later becomes a horriboy or some other abomination
Trevin: is that sag stuck with this boy, or...can she trade in this boy for a "new boy"
theAlphaJohn: well...the boystore has a strict 30 day "no questions asked" return policy
Trevin: ah...but what if it's like a car
theAlphaJohn: but after 30 days, a sag must unload defective boys on the secondary market, like BOYSLIST
Trevin: lol
theAlphaJohn: or a black market sale to an unlicensed SAG
Trevin: ah!
theAlphaJohn: because really, to an unlicensed sag, Horriboy is better than no boy at all
Trevin: so...there IS a place for unlicensed and/or defective sags to acquire boys
theAlphaJohn: indeed

One Man's Snack Food is Another Man's Animal Spirit Guide

If one's health is based on what they eat (nutrition) and what they do (exercise), then my overall health since moving to Virginia in 1999 can be broken down into four ages:

• The Sedentary New Yorker :: Nutrition (-)(-) Exercise (-)(-)
• The Lazy Dieter :: Nutrition (+)(-) Exercise (-)(+)
• Son of Sells-Floto :: Nutrition (-)(+) Exercise (+)(-)
• Man on a Mission:: Nutrition (+)(+) Exercise (+)(+)

The first age (1999-2002) is remembered fondly with all-night hackathons (probably to get the table width for my website perfect), frequent trips to Krispy Kreme, 4 pints of Ben & Jerry's a week, and a signature 24 oz bottle of Mountain Dew in arms reach at all times. History shows this is when I reached my highest weight ever in January of 2002 (I was probably smoking a Marlboro Light while on the scale). [277 lbs]


The second age (2002-2003) began with what Cory and Trevin later named "Weirdo Diet". Weirdo Diet was my adaptation of a low-carb diet using everyday processed foods (like Wendy's Salad) that still had hidden carbs. Mountain Dew was yanked from my sweaty, fat fingers and replaced with water. Sedentary life was minimized with long walks (2-3 hours) 2-3 times a week (almost always preceded by smoking the finest skunk weed Northern Virginia had to offer at the time). From a strictly weight standpoint, I reached a short-lived low for adult life during this period. [220 lbs]

The third age (2003-2005) closely mirrors my time working for FELD. Long hours and fast food forced me to hire a personal trainer. I started running again after probably 8 years off, and over two years we worked up from 1 minute run/3 minute walk to solid 45 minutes at 9-11 minute pace. She was also a certified nutritionist, so I journaled several times to try and discover why my weight my was stuck. [240 lbs]


The fourth age (2005-present) began last October with my job change. I left my first trainer for one (err...two) at Mason (much closer to work and home). I started swimming 2 nights a week and lifting 5 mornings a week. In January I increased my swimming to 3-4 nights a week, with one workout much longer than the others. I saw increases in my strength and endurance, and my clothes all started to seem bigger, but my weight was still frozen at 240. I was careful not to increase the amount of food I was eating in response to my exercise which lead to a breakdown in April. I finally had to stop swimming in June and go down to 2 days a week lifting.

On Meredith's recommendation, I met with a nutritionist two weeks ago. Over two visits we tested bodyfat and base metabolic rate to put together a food plan. Between the visits, I journaled so she could get a sense of what I'm currently eating. Based on the tests, even on my worst day I was only a couple hundred calories over where I should be to drop this weight (hence, weight not going away). I learned a few very interesting things in my conversations with her:

• An ounce of meet has 8 grams of protein, but different meets have different calorie counts. 1 oz beef = 100 cals, 1 oz chicken/pork about 50 cals, 1 oz fish = 25 cals. That 14 oz Ayers Rock Strip at Outback: 1400 calories for just the meat.
• I'm supposed to be eating 96g protein a day, but am only getting about 72g on my best day, which explains my breakdown last April
• Of all my meals, lunch should have the most calories (650) and protein (54g). Dinner maxes out at 450 cals and 50g protein
• Alcohol has way too many calories

Her guidelines aren't restrictive at all, they just tell me that I need to make some different choices if I'm going to continue this level of activity. We've put together a plan from now until January to ramp my activity back up where I want it, get my weight down under 200 lbs, and bring my bodyfat under 10%.

I plan to do this with the help of my Animal Spirit Guide, Mr. Peanut. The Planters 100 cal peanut butter cookie crisps are the tasty, and if you go ape shit and eat two it's all good.

I love the picture of me in front of Krispy Kreme. I call it, "Fatty Arbuckle, Consumerist Hero".

Mitsubishi builds one-of-a-kind "Princess Kitty" edition

Autoblog is carrying this article about the "Princess Kitty"/Hello Kitty edition of the Mitsubishi i:

Well, Mitsubishi has done it. They have created the most quintessentially Japanese car ... EVER.

We bring you, dear Autoblog readers, the Mitsubishi i "Princess Kitty" Hello Kitty limited edition. And by limited, we mean one.

The Princess Kitty is finished in pink, with matching paint applied to the wheels. The Hello Kitty trademark ribbon logo is applied to the front doors and roof, while the rear doors get a "Princess Kitty" graphic with the lovable cartoon character's face. The back window also gets a large Hello Kitty face decal. The sideview mirrors feature Hello Kitty's face in relief.

I sent an email to Andrew, George, and Trevin about it and this is how it went:

Alpha John: [sends link]
Trevin: My God....it's....it's...it's hideous!! You monsters!! ;)
Andrew: sigh. i might have to quit.
Alpha John: I think you should call your corporate rep and tell him you want that as your demo. But you must start the call with "Konichiwa!"
Andrew: well, i have a dealer council meeting on the 20th, so perhaps i'll just bring that up.
George: if you get that in, i am ON THE WAY.
Trevin: George, I think I could die happy if I had a photo of you behind the wheel of a hello kitty auto. ;)

All I have to say is:

Counting Crows tickle my fancy

I fired up iTunes a few minutes ago set it to play my "Top Rated" songs randomly. The first song it chose was a live version of "Rain King" by Counting Crows at The George Washington Smith Center in October of 2002. I was at the concert with Trevin (2002 was the year of the concert for both of us I think) and picked up the bootleg about six months later.

This is probably my favorite live song ever: in the interlude before the last verse, the band performs all of "Raining in Baltimore" to the tune of Rain King. Right about the 3 minute mark you can hear the change over, and as soon as Adam belts out the first line you can clearly here my stupid-ass scream at the top of my lungs. And once you recognize my scream, you'll pick it out many other times in the song.

Anyway, have a listen for yourself:

The Mating Ritual of the College Co-Ed Magic Player

I wanted to grab some lunch quick before my 1:15pm meeting ("worthless Wednesday"), so I ran over to SUB I to grab something and bring it back to my desk. The problem was that I couldn't actually find any to-go bags once I was all checked out, so I decided to grab a table and eat there.

In selecting a table, I chose something out of the way where I could spread out and avoid 19 year old hosers who think the height of conversation includes binge drinking and sport-puking. Apparently, that's exactly how the Magic players choose their table as well.

What follows is the a dramatic recreation of the 10 minutes I spent inhaling my food:



The young man facing the camera and to the left talked at length how Magic was clearly his calling in life. Definately an 'E' on Meyers-Briggs, when he wasn't talking his moves out he was correcting his opponet and both players playing the game next to him. We'll call him "Dark Mage" (hi Trevin).

The girl (yes it's a girl) facing the camera on the right somehow found herself at this table. We'll call her "The Hollow." She admitted she was not an experienced player, and within 8 or 9 heartbeats I realized she was only there because she wanted to get up-on Dark Mage and make babies with him. Sadly, with only two weeks until St. Hallmark's Day, Dark Mage is still working on a romantic bed and breakfast weekend in the country with the love of his life, his Play Station Portable.

There was much discussion about "casting" and "manna", and while the Alpha John admits he played Magic for a month or two when he was 12, it is at this point a dead language.

The love triangle appeared around minute six, when the guy that The Hollow was playing against (I'll call him "Makeout King") had taken stock of his situation. Never let it be said that gamers don't have game, because in just a few minutes Makeout King realized that The Hollow was hot-to-trot, and that it will be another decade before Dark Mage's genitals text message him to say "hey I'm here...when we gonna breed homes?".

The fourth dude really didn't say anything of interest, so I will take both his nickname and his birthday away.

So while Dark Mage is trying to reign supreme with his two-headed dragon, evil troll, tome of Jergins, and plague of weekends in the Student Union, his buddy Makeout King was putting the moves on the only double-X chromosome to ever grace that table.

Accutane is More Funnier

Bad skin runs in my family, and while mine really isn't that bad, my dermotologist tried putting me on Accutane in my early 20s. I didn't have any of the nasty side effects that some people did, but my liver did freak out and I went off it after 4 months.

Accutane comes in burst packs, and in order to pop the pill out you have to first remove a cardboard picture of a pregnant woman with a giant red "NO" slash through it. I used to bring the little cardboard signs into work and hide them places to see people's reactions.



There were also pictures on the inside fold of the burst pack of what a deformed Accutane baby would look like. Supposedly they have malformed or absent nose and ears, and a giant alien-like melon.



I used to joke with my coworkers that I wanted to have an adorable little Accutane baby. I would name him or her "Baby SQL" and only teach it to speak Structured Query Language. Our fictional Baby SQL used to have outbursts and yell "SQL!!!".

Anyway, Trevin IMed me this afternoon:

Trevin: get this
Trevin: I'm listening to a radio report on accutane. apparently, the fda has a new policy that requires all people who take it to register BEFORE they can get the drug
Trevin: despite all that stuff on the medicine, people still take it while pregnant and get the accutane baby
theAlphaJohn: yeah this all went on like six months ago
theAlphaJohn: silly baby SQL
Trevin: wow...you have to have a NEGATIVE pregnancy test if you're a woman if you want it
theAlphaJohn: yeah and you're supposed to keep getting pregnancy tests for it during your treatment
theAlphaJohn: i think if they write you a prescription for it, they should just sew your cooter shut
theAlphaJohn: the FDA would save us all time if they only let ugly hos get prescriptions for it
Trevin: lol
Trevin: true
Trevin: SQL!!!
theAlphaJohn: his deformed ears and nose
theAlphaJohn: his giant alien head
Trevin: SQL!!!

How cute would that be?

A Crime-Fighting Source of Potassium

First, thanks to Trevin for being on the ball with "Odd News from Alpha John's Hometown". Given the current battle I'm having over my transfer credit from ACC, the timing could not be more appropriate.

Capital 9 News (our motto: "Not only do we blow, but we rake our teeth") broke the story about the mis-adventures of Banana Boy, a crime-fighting super fruit whose secret identity is none other than local ACC student Chris Phelps (motto: "Bay Road Polytech -- 7 years or bust!"). I'll let the crack news team give you the skinny:

---

Chris Phelps is a mild-mannered 20-year-old ACC student and cameraman at WNCE-TV 8 in Glens Falls. His alter ego is Banana Boy, a crime fighter and cast member of TV 8's sketch show "The Ravacon."

[...]

While shooting a fight scene in Hudson Falls on Thursday a Washington County Sheriff's Deputy noticed Banana Boy and two members of his bunch.

The deputy mistook the act for a real knife-point attack and immediately took action.

Make believe mugger Luke Van Scoy said, "All the sudden we just heard screaming and I looked over and there was the gun pointed at me. It was such a serious moment for me. So I immediately dropped the knife and kind of put my hands up and took off my wig and mask."

---

Now come on, are you fist-fucking me? A County Sheriff's Deputy thought a mugging that involved someone dressed as a food group demanded he pull his gun?

---

Phelps said, "Banana Boy in this situation would probably fly away if he thought he was going to be arrested. But Banana Boy wouldn't really be arrested."

But Phelps and his crew were arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. And in character or not, they'll be in Hudson Falls Village Court on December 15.

---

This dude is a total fucking space ranger. Then again, I've come a long way from my ACC days, fixated on the popcorn machine, the master plan, and the SUNY Vortex.

More (Ad)Senseless-ness

theAlphaJohn: i see your adsensing
Trevin: yeah
Trevin: i figured...what the heck
theAlphaJohn: is yours as successful as mine?
theAlphaJohn: yeah i mean why not?
Trevin: i just started today
Trevin: nod
theAlphaJohn: lemme check mine
Trevin: like I said...if it buys me a cup of coffee now and then...well, that's worth it
theAlphaJohn: six fucking cents
Trevin: lol
theAlphaJohn: i clicked yours so you can get a couple pennies
Trevin: I clicked yours the other day
theAlphaJohn: !!!
theAlphaJohn: we'll make each other rich!
Trevin: exactly!