Palin Place (or: Bristol and her boo Levi)

To get in the spirit of McCain-Palin, I made a custom tee shirt help us discuss those awkward, pesky social issues:



Please, for the children, head over to Zazzle and order yourself a couple. All my profits will be donated to (Un)Planned Parenthood.

Sex with (Patio) Furniture

No surprise, this is from Fox News:

(BELLEVUE, OH) -- Police say a man in Bellevue, Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.

The police officer interviewed for this piece makes it worth watching:



I'm reminded of Weird Al's movie, UHF, where he interviews people about Sex with Furniture. Sadly, I could not find the clip on Youtube.

Mmm hmm...

Now that is some Crimmus spirit!

The Safeway Supercomputer

When an odd thought strikes me, I usually send a text message about it to several friends and see what sticks:

theAlphaJohn: When I buy a bottle of Pinotage and break-and-bake cookies, do you think the Safeway Supercomputer assumes I'm a lesbian who just miscarried?
Mike: Or your boyfriend of 7 years finally told you that he's not the marrying type.
theAlphaJohn: Either way, a Lane Bryant coupon should have spit out.

Just because they make it in your size, girl, doesn't mean you should wear it. :/

Emoti-whut?

Via SMS:

Corey: i can't -- no
theAlphaJohn: :-@
Corey: ?
theAlphaJohn: !
Corey: What does :-@ mean?
theAlphaJohn: I think that is a wide agape mouth sticking its steven tyler tongue out
theAlphaJohn: LOVE IN AN ELEVATOR!

Employees of Chipotle might be stranger than me

Last week I sent this email to Chipotle:

From: theAlphaJohn
Phone Number:
Sent: 10/3/2007 7:47:30 PM
Store Visited: Fairfax, VA
Date Visited:

Comments:
If Fairfax City is a college town, and the last class gets out at 10:10pm, why is Chipotle closed at 10p and not 11p?

Which I thought was a reasonable question. This is the response I got:

From: Ken Marley
To: theAlphaJohn
Cc: Four Other Chipotle Employees
Subject: Reply from Chipotle
Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2007 16:37:44 -0600

Hello John,

Thank you for writing us with your concern. Tell your professor that Chipotle gave you permission to leave class early to get you burrito fix. If he gives you any grief, have him contact me directly and I will set him straight. I got your back. We hope you will continue to find your burrito love with us.

Sincerely,
Ken Marley
Chipotle

...

Kid Nation 2: Kids Say the Darndest Things...In Space!

I finally got a chance to watch Kid Nation, and I think CBS might be on to something. While I'm not a huge fan of it's "Western Ghost Town" motif, I think they may have pushed the envelope enough here to look forward to KN2. I discussed this today with Will:

theAlphaJohn: Link
Will: hahaha
Will: awesome
theAlphaJohn: i blame small children
Will: always blame children
theAlphaJohn: indeed. they smell, they drool
theAlphaJohn: i watched kid nation last night. i would like KN2 to be set on a base on the moon
theAlphaJohn: and if the kids get homesick, we space them
Will: space them
Will: hahaha
Will: that's awesome

All I have to say is this: small child suffocating in the vacuum of space == ratings gold.



...

Oh snap...you thought that was mean?? Deal With It!

Does Chris Hansen know about this?

Tonight, in the coffee shop on campus, I saw an older lady who appeared to be a cougar. She was working on a black MacBook, and from behind I saw that she was playing Second Life.

...

Is Dateline putting the finishing touches on: To Catch a Second Life Cougar?

Washington City Paper investigates LNS

The Washington City Paper, a publication I rarely read because I can only do so in one sitting, featured this article about Late Night Shots:

The three guys sitting at the bar at Town Hall in Georgetown swear it's a true story: A friend of theirs called a buddy in the middle of a sexual conquest, placing his cell phone out of view. When the voice mail picked up, it recorded him asking his lady, "You like that Republican cock?"

Then the bearded one in the middle busts out with this: "Do you like anal sex?" I squint. I'm confused. "Do you do anal?" he repeats, head bobbing with excitement. The litany continues. Do I want to take it in the ass? Have I ever taken it in the ass? My silence is taken as an affirmative and he announces that this interview will go no further unless he receives a hand job. I retreat into a hole carved out during similar sessions in high school and head for the door.

[...]

There are excellent write ups about it on Jezebel and sister site Wonkette (who regularly takes shots at LNS).

Iced Tall Wishful Thinking

So I'm in line at Starbucks behind some random white kid: he's maybe 18 years old, probably 5'6" and all of 130lbs. He orders some craizmo expresso drink, and takes out his wallet to pay.

When he does, he has to push aside a MAGNUM (all caps) to actually get his money out of his wallet.

...

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing that his MAGNUM expired sometime during the Clinton administration.

Ice Cream Head(ache)

Andrew: well, i wouldnt be interested unless there was a fudgy the whale carvel ice cream cake.
theAlphaJohn: I want fudgy the whale and cookie puss having an ice cream 69

And to those of you using Google Reader, yes I changed the title. I think this one is more-funniest.

Welcome Snow Gods

Plowed into light posts, we pray to thee:

"My Asian Girlfriend"

I suspect the first 88 drafts before MYASNGF went something like this:

"Hello my fellow caucasian friends. Though I am white, 5'6", weigh 145lbs, and enjoy both Mountain Dew and fluffer nutter, I would like you to meet my girlfriend, Sookuntra."

but that was taken, so then he tried:

"Sup dawg? Check it -- I gots me some yellow fever!"

but that was too long, so the next attempt was:

"Recognize: Crooked Pussy."

and DMV was like, "nuh uh". So homeboy bought her an Orange RSX and ordered those up on dmvnow.com.

This is a tragedy that makes Dafur look like a bake sale.

Robot fall down, go doom

From Autoblog:

As product demonstrations go, this is what you would call a worst case scenario. Right at the one minute mark, the Honda Asimo robot has an issue making it up the steps and takes a faceplant on the floor below, shattering his glass "face" and saying what sounds like "sleeping". We're not sure if it was nap time or too much saki, but the quick dimming of the lights and unfurling of the wheeled wall demonstrates some pretty quick thinking, and obvious preparation for such a mishap. We hope you get a laugh out of it as much as us and the folks in attendance.

What Stereotype?

This is the license plate I saw on the minivan of an Asian woman dropping her kids off at Tae Kwan Do:

I guess her first chose was already taken:


For the counterpoint on this issue, Rosie O'Donnell:

Traneez...the hottest gift this American History X-mas

I really don't like borrowing from other people's blogs, but this is so god damned funny I must share. From Princess Sparkle Pony:



This was PSP's response to The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah's idea for "American History X-mas":

Let it never be said that won't support a fabulous cause, even if it's associated with Christmas. Pony Pal™ The Rev has come up with an idea so touching, even the gloomiest heretics will heed Santa's insistent, nagging call. [...]

My all-powerfully tranny search engine can even find humor based on a misspelling of "trannies". In the information age, not even your love of chicks-with-dicks is safe from me.

iTunes University

LOL...I'm going to get fired:

theAlphaJohn: hey if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday
theAlphaJohn: gunston outtake pictures
Will: haha
theAlphaJohn: or even better: gunston jumping out of my cake in a thong
Will: now that is awesome
theAlphaJohn: even better is the likely hotness under the costume
Will: yeah
Will: i knew the gunston when i went here
Will: short blonde girl
Will: freaking ultra hot
theAlphaJohn: and the paradoxical possibility of thong on a muppet being worn by a human in a thong
Will: wow
theAlphaJohn: thong-on-thong paradoxes make my head hurt
theAlphaJohn: but good hurt, like icecream headache
Will: you should contact the center for quantum studies and tell them about it

Google Answers Redeux

I'm working on my final paper for English, and was thinking about using Google Answers to help me find a bit of research I need for this paper (I'd say to finish it, but at this point it's just an outline).

I'm already signed in to GMail, so it's no surprise that I don't have to login. What is surprising is that I already have my account setup there (billing information, etc). I had completely forgotten that I used GA before.

To jog my memory, I visit my past questions and find this (click on the picture to enlarge):


I really am a creep you know.

I'm trying not to borrow from other blogs

In this case, however, I need to make an exception.

This post by Roosh (formerly DC Bachelor) is hysterical:



Make sure to read his commentary about the video also.