Training

Next Mon/Tue and the following Mon/Tue/Wed, I'll be in iPhone SDK development training. By Christmas, I will have built my social networking War on Christmas app, putting that fat bitch Santa-Jesus on the unemployment rolls.

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick: A Real Dee-troit Pimp

If you have not been following the news about Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, you have been missing some shizzle.

Wikipedia has some nice background:

1) Manoogian Mansion party

Kilpatrick's first controversy started as rumors of a wild party in the fall of 2002 involving strippers at the official residence of the mayor—the city-owned Manoogian Mansion. It is alleged by former members of the mayor's Executive Protection Unit that the mayor's wife, Carlita Kilpatrick, came home unexpectedly and upon discovering Kwame with the strippers began to attack one of the women.

2) The murder of Tamara Greene

Tamara Greene was a 27-year-old exotic dancer who went by the name "Strawberry" and who claimed to have performed at the Manoogian Mansion party. While sitting in her car with her boyfriend, Greene was shot multiple times with a .40 caliber Glock handgun. Although official statement by Detroit Police Department claims that Ms. Greene was shot three times, sources from Homicide Division of DPD have claimed that she was shot 18 times.

3) Motorcycle Squad Harley Davidson

In July of 2003, WXYZTV reported that Kwame Kilpatrick was seen riding the streets of Detroit on a Harley-Davidson Electra Glide police motorcycle which was taken from the Detroit Police Motorcycle Squad by Kilpatrick. The report indicated that he at times was riding alone without security, placing himself at risk and that the cycle had been taken by the mayor for his personal use and pleasure.

4) Whistleblower trial

In 2003, a civil lawsuit was filed against Kilpatrick by his ex-bodyguard Harold Nelthrope and former Deputy Chief Police Gary Brown. The police officers claim they were fired because of an internal probe into the mayor's personal actions and that the firing was a violation of the whistleblower law.[37]

The trial began in August 2007 with Kilpatrick and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty both denying they were involved in an extramarital affair.

5) Text-messaging scandal

In January 2008, The Detroit Free Press examined and revealed the existence of more than 14,000 text messages exchanged between Kilpatrick and his chief of staff Christine Beatty on their city issued SkyTel pagers between September–October 2002 and April–May 2003. The dates are of importance because they encompass the time periods of the alleged Manoogian Mansion party and the ouster of Gary Brown respectively.[54]

The text-messages are the nucleus of an $8.4 million secret deal settlement by the city of Detroit. The attorneys for the city had tried since 2004 to keep the text messages hidden on the basis that they were personal and private communications.[54] However, a city directive re-authorized by Kilpatrick during his first term as mayor indicates that all electronic communication sent on city equipment should be "used in an honest, ethical, and legal manner" and cautions, "is not considered to be personal or private."[55] The mayor's spokesman said the policy only applies to city-owned equipment and the text-messages are exempt since they were sent on a city-leased device.[55]

Kilpatrick and Beatty, both married at the time, did discuss city business; however, many of the series of messages describe not a professional relationship but an extramarital sexual relationship between the two, often in graphic detail. The text messages further describe their use of city funds to arrange romantic getaways, their fears of being caught by the mayor's police protection unit, and evidence the pair conspired to fire Detroit Police Deputy Chief Gary Brown.

6) Criminal charges

On March 24, 2008, Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy announced a 12-count criminal indictment against Kilpatrick and former Detroit Chief of Staff Christine Beatty, charging Kilpatrick with eight felonies and Beatty with seven. Charges for both included perjury, misconduct in office and obstruction of justice. Worthy also suggested that others in the Kilpatrick administration could also be charged.

7) Red Lincoln Navigator

In 2005, WXYZ-TV reporter Steve Wilson reported that the city had entered an expensive one year lease for a luxury SUV. It was to be used to chauffeur the mayor's family. The lease was for $24,995; five dollars under the amount that would have required the approval of city council. Kilpatrick, chief of staff Christine Beatty, police chief Ella Bully-Cummings, and other members of the mayor's staff all denied that the red Lincoln Navigator was intended to be used by the mayor's wife and children. Eventually, Kilpatrick admitted the Navigator was for his family, claiming he had told the police chief that it was "too much" and to take it back.[64] Media coverage of this story was best known for a situation involving the mayor and his security team. Wilson had tracked Kilpatrick down in Washington, D.C., where he was attending a mayor's conference. When Wilson tried to question Kilpatrick about the Navigator lease, a member of the mayor's security team is seen on camera shoving Wilson against a wall.

8) Civic Fund

On May 8, 2007, WXYZ reported that Kilpatrick used $8,600 from his secret Kilpatrick Civic Fund to take his wife, three sons and babysitter on a week long vacation to a five-star California resort, the La Costa Resort and Spa.[66] The fund, controlled by Kilpatrick's sister and friends, was created to improve the city of Detroit through voter education, economic empowerment and crime prevention. Tax and accounting experts said Kilpatrick's use of the fund was a violation of IRS regulations.[67] The story was also compounded after WXYZ's cameras caught Kilpatrick in a fit of rage grabbing the microphone out of the hand of reporter Ray Sayah and throwing it hard across the room such that it hit a wall, while Sayah tried to question him about the situation.

9) Slander suit

Kilpatrick was named in a slander lawsuit along with Christine Beatty and police chief Ella Bully-Cummings. The lawsuit was brought about by two police officers that claimed to have been slandered in the media by city officials.[68]

The lawsuit stems from a 2004 incident in which the two police officers pulled over Kilpatrick's chief of staff Christine Beatty for speeding. Beatty was irate at being stopped and bluntly asked the officers, "Do you know who the fuck I am?" when the officers came to the vehicle.[68] While stopped, Beatty called Police Chief Bully-Cummings to have the officers called off, which the officers allege they were ordered to do. When reports of the incident started to surface in the media, Kilpatrick, Beatty and Bully-Cummings all claimed that the traffic stop was some type of "set-up" to harass Beatty.

10) Recall campaign

The Wayne County Election Committee approved a recall petition to remove Kilpatrick as mayor based on the multi-million dollar settlement ($9,000,000+) in a whistle-blower lawsuit against the city, and the accusation that Kilpatrick misled the City Council into approving the settlement. The recall petition was filed by Douglas Johnson, a city council candidate.[71] Kilpatrick has appealed to the commission to reconsider its decision on the grounds that Johnson is not a resident of Detroit.[72] Johnson also requested that Jennifer Granholm use her power as Governor to remove Kilpatrick from office.

On March 12, 2008, at the request of the Mayor's office, Wayne County Election Commission rescinded its earlier approval for the recall. The Mayor's office argued that there was not any evidence that the organizer, Douglas Johnson, actually resided within the city limits of Detroit. Johnson stated that his group would refile using another person whose residency would not be an issue. [73] On March 27, 2008, a second recall petition was filed against Kilpatrick by Angelo Brown. Brown stated in his filing that Kilpatrick is too preoccupied with his legal problems to be effective. Kilpatrick's spokesman James Canning again dismissed this latest recall by saying: "It’s Mr. Brown’s right to file a petition, but it’s just another effort by a political hopeful to grab headlines."[74]

On May 14 the Detroit City Council voted to request that the governor of Michigan, Jennifer Granholm, remove Kilpatrick from office.

And now, breaking news from the New York Times:

DETROIT — Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick, already fighting eight felony charges including perjury, was charged Friday with two felony counts of assaulting or obstructing a police officer. The officer, a sheriff’s deputy, was attempting to serve a subpoena.

Michigan’s attorney general, Mike Cox, announced the new charges one day after Mr. Kilpatrick was sent to jail for violating the terms of his bond by traveling to Canada in July on city business. Each count carries a penalty of up to two years in prison or a $2,000 fine upon a conviction.

“It’s a very straightforward, simple case,” Mr. Cox said. “I cannot recall ever seeing — let alone hearing of — a situation where a police officer trying to serve a subpoena was assaulted.”

Moments before Mr. Cox’s announcement, a circuit court judge, Thomas E. Jackson, allowed the mayor to be released from jail after posting a $50,000 cash bond. He also took away the mayor’s travel privileges and ordered him to wear a global-positioning tether.

But Mr. Kilpatrick, 38, who is in his second term as mayor, could soon be headed back to jail, as assault charges would be another bond violation.

The incident that prompted the new charges happened July 24, a day after Mr. Kilpatrick traveled across the Detroit River to Windsor, Ontario, on city business without court approval, a violation of the terms of his bond in the perjury case. That violation is what prompted Judge Ronald Giles of the 36th District Court in Detroit to have Mr. Kilpatrick sent to the county jail Thursday.

Just look at Google News to see why I'm nominating Marion Barry for Pope.

Welcome to Washington, Empress Ratzinger

So thoughtful of you to apologize for decades of kid-touching. It makes me want to take Metro to mass:



And, might I say, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

Hey Jeebus! Who's your publicist?

Pope Benedict AND Jesus Christ in the news? What about the Easter Bunny?

That's some algorithm you got there, Google(s).

Work Sends me to Mormonville -> Mormon Pope Dies

Naturally, on my first trip to Salt Lake City, the head of the Mormon church would die and create an international spectacle.

Gordon B. Hinckley, the president and prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who led Mormonism through a period of global expansion, died Sunday at his apartment in Salt Lake City. He was 97.

Well folks, when life gives you dead prophet, roll up your sleeves and make dead prophet-ade. That means we hop in our car, and head down to the Mormon Temple to witness the spectacle first hand.




Much to the delight of the news crews that showed up, a group of studentmourners starting singing hymns:





Fret not, no business trips to Vatican City planned.

Meanwhile, Salt Lake City is wondering when Mittens is going to speak up...

Hiz Holyness Done-Gets a New Ride

Kudos to Autoblog for spotting this:

[Source: Daimler]

New Mercedes-Benz for the Pope

Stuttgart/Rome – In future, Pope Benedict XVI will present himself to the 40,000 or so pilgrims in St. Peter's Square in a shining white, open-top Mercedes-Benz G-Class during his public audiences on Wednesdays. The new "Popemobile" was created over a two-year development period in close consultation with the Vatican, and has now been personally handed over to the Holy Father.

This open official car, which the Head of the Catholic Church requested for use during fine weather, was developed by Mercedes-Benz on the basis of the G 500. It is equipped with a folding windscreen and hand-rails, and like its predecessors it is painted in the Vatican mystic white finish. The interior is likewise white, and is accessed via steps lined in red at the rear. The Pope holds his audiences in a standing position, so that he is easily visible to all his flock.

POPE == PIMP

I already shared this through Google Reader, but I wanted a chance to use one of my favorite, little-used tags for this post.

The Semi-Sweet Coming of Christ

Last Spring, we were excited to learn about The Chocolate Jesus, and to hear the argument between it's creator and the head of the Catholic League on Opie and Anthony.

Once again, Virginia is on the ball with this update:

NEW YORK - "My Sweet Lord," an anatomically correct milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that infuriated Catholics before its April unveiling was canceled, returns Oct. 27 to a Chelsea art gallery, its creator said Tuesday.

[...]

The exhibit, at the Proposition Gallery in Manhattan, will be accompanied by a set of chocolate Catholic icons created by Cavallaro, a group that includes the Virgin Mary and saints Francis, Augustine, Michael, Jude, Anthony and Fermin.

"After the cancellation of the show, it got me to look into the Catholic religion a little deeper," Cavallero said. "I started thinking about the saints, how they were ostracized for their beliefs and then canonized."

Cavallaro's work features Christ with outstretched arms, as though hanging from an invisible cross. Unlike traditional religious depictions of Christ, Cavallaro's Jesus lacks a loincloth.

The sculpture is actually a new version of "My Sweet Lord," created with 200 pounds of chocolate over three days. The original was stored in a Brooklyn facility where mice nibbled away at its hands, ears, nose and feet, forcing Cavallaro to toss the original and recast the sculpture.

Oh my sweet, milk chocolate Jesus!

I'm saddened that the original was nibbled at by mice, but thrilled about his new, delicious entourage of sweet saints. If Walmart is carrying Jesus Action Figures, maybe Hersheys could work on an edible nativity scene to replace the nasty, chocolate Advent Calendar we're all sick of eating?

The idea of biting the Baby Jesus's head off on Christmas Morning...

!!!

xoxo

Catholic League vs. Chocolate Jesus' creator on Opie & Anthony

This morning on Opie and Anthony, the boys had a somewhat impromptu get together between Bill Donahue from the Catholic League and Cosimo Cavallaro, the artist who created My Sweet Lord. There is a bit about it (including audio) on Foundry Music:

Bill Donohue from the Catholic League, who is now a friend of the Opie and Anthony Show, and Cosimo Cavallaro, who is known for creating imaginative pieces of art out of food, debate his 'Chocolate Jesus' statue. The six-foot display, playfully dubbed "My Sweet Lord," infuriated Catholics, including Cardinal Edward Egan, who described it as "a sickening display." Donohue had said it was "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever."

This is just some amazing radio, and Bill Donahue wins line of the day: "Could it be art also if we had a chocolate figure of [Cavallaro's] mother, with genitalia exposed, and we asked everybody to eat her on Mother's day?"

Campus Catholic Ministry Presents: Weekend Beach Retreat

Let me gather my sarcastic thoughts while you read what I just read:



So I'm supposed to go to the beach...with the son of God? Who can walk on water? Like my bunk mate's party tricks won't land me outside in a sleeping bag while a little "not-so-immaculate conception goes on".

Let "the Vicar of Kid Touching" Kiss His Own Ring

For what I assume was my never-ending stream of questions, I was asked by the Bishop who confirmed me not to come back until my next sacrament (be it marriage or last rights). As such, my next statement might as well be “you can’t fire me, I quit”.

I am done with Catholicism, and the Catholic church has only itself to thank for pushing me away.

It's not about ritual, it's not about dogma, and it's not about priests who are kid touchers (though that is kind of hot). It has nothing to do with transubstantiation or the holy trinity or plenary indulgence.

I am sick of the pope, and I am especially tired of Benedict XVI.

I’ve been told before that I’m an old soul, and there are many reasons in the history of the papacy to despise the very concept of the Holy See. I don’t claim to have lived though The Western Schism (an outstanding time in history to find a better religion, like Zoroastrianism), but even if I did and remembered, the lunacy of my lifetime is enough to give up the vicar of Christ for good.

My crisis of faith was actually conceived during Catechism. For those of you intelligent enough to not be Catholic, you can’t just confirmed without about 10 years of Church School. You have to prove you know all your standard prayers (Hail Mary, Our Father, Apostles Creed, Act of Contrition, The Beatitudes), the four marks of the church (One, Holy, Catholic, Apostolic), the significance of transubstantiation, the holy trinity, but most importantly how the Catholic church is the only right and true way to worship, and everyone but the Catholics are going to hell.

[…]

"Wasn’t Jesus a Jew?" I asked.
"Yes." Replied Mrs. Poolan, the holiest Church School teacher who wore Nike Hiking Boots.
"So why would Jesus let his father send his people to hell?" I wondered.

There wasn’t really a response.

One day we were discussing homosexuality, which was an interesting topic since our church had a priest who was considered by everyone to be such a dynamic speaker and caring person, someone who made him or her want to go to church. "Look at all the outreach he did, the time he set aside to work with troubled teenage boys in his congregation." Do I need to tell you where this is going? Everyone was heart broken when Father Gary was suddenly called away to because he had been caught kid touching at our church and there was fresh meat someplace else for him to sample.

With all of that behind us, a different church school teacher (I had many, they could only take so much of me) was telling us how “Homosexuals can still be loved by God and go to heaven, provided they never act on their urges.”

: : scraches head : :

I certainly didn’t ask this at the time (I had some restraint), but I have always wondered: if God sends homos to hell, and a homo priest fellates a hetero teenage boy in his parish, does God just give the kid a mulligan?

Once I asked Mrs. Poolan, “Growing up in a world with teen pregnancy and AIDS, isn't it irresponsible for our church to prohibit the use of condoms?”. "No" she answered "you have abstinence".

Huh. Good one, though I much preferred the part where your daughter made you a grandmother before her 19th birthday, with no baby-daddy in sight. I guess abstinence didn't make her hole grow fonder.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

The Catholic Church is the most backward, regressive, irresponsible institution on Earth. Every time I think I’m overreacting and that I should give them a break, they smack me upside the head and prove me right again. Benedict issued his first encyclical, "Deus Caritas Est" (God is Love) yesterday:

MESSAGE FROM THE VATICAN: Pope: Loveless sex deceives
Benedict XVI delves into charity and relationships
January 26, 2006
BY NICOLE WINFIELD
ASSOCIATED PRESS

VATICAN CITY -- Pope Benedict XVI wrote in his first encyclical Wednesday that sex without unconditional love risks turning men and women into merchandise.

I’m sorry, I have to stop for a second. Did a 78-year-old man who has not had sex for at least 54 years (or ever if he’s a "good" Catholic) just speak out against sport fucking? And on my birthday??

I am fully aware that the US is not the center of the known universe, so I’m not going to play the “50% divorce rate” card, but everywhere I’ve been outside the US also thinks that breeding (or the attempt at breeding) is a recreational activity.

Benedict’s 71 page paper explores the relationship between Eros (the love of a man and a woman) and agape (unconditional, self-giving love), which he feels are unified when a man marries a woman.

I’m all for pair bonding, I don’t have any problem with monogamy (it’s one of many lifestyle choices an adult can make), but the Catholics have this fetish for marriage that I just can’t buy into. As an old religion, they maintain their numbers through (1) marriage, (2) prohibition of birth control, and (3) instilling fear on Catholic parents that they are responsible for their child’s soul until the child is confirmed. Catholics make more Catholics through their inability to be abstenate and the guilt of the child not making it to confirmation, and the kid’s immortal soul being let down. Psychologically, it's not only the foundation of a very unhealthy relationship, but it makes for an awkward Thanksgiving dinner.

Remember, these are the find folks who brought you purgatory. Not only is there someplace potentially worse than hell, but if a little baby (who is “born with original sin”) isn’t baptized before (s)he dies, the little soul will float endless in purgatory for all time. That’s the hypocrisy I’ve come to know and love: I can’t have an abortion and end this innocent life that I helped conceive, but if I have the kid and it dies before baptism it’s little soul rots and never gets to know the wonders of Heaven. I’m surprised I’ve never heard that the souls of aborted fetuses float in purgatory, but then again I haven’t been in a church since my grandmother’s funeral six years ago.

Back to the madness:

"Eros, reduced to pure sex, has become a commodity, a mere thing to be bought and sold, or rather, man himself has become a commodity."

Wait…"has become"? What was Mary Magdalen? You’re telling me that sex hasn’t been bought and sold since the beginning of recorded history? (This is where I avoid a segue into discussing [Un]Intelligent Design).

"Those who practice charity in the church's name will never seek to impose the church's faith upon others"

Of course, he’s speaking about 2005, and has completely forgotten about the Catholic Church’s many attempts to take over the world. There is also a whole lot of discussion about charity coming from a man whose toothbrush is made of gold.

We were talking last night at dinner about the current state of America politics, and at what point the right wing is going to wakeup and say "my beliefs are intact, but our President needs to go". There was a comic I read the other day about testing that theory by telling people that Bush needed to kill their kitten, and would they let him.

Practicing Catholics are no better, allowing hypocrites to eschew dogma at them. It has reached a point where they’ve stopped thinking and just swallow the doctrine like a baby bird eating the vomit from momma bird’s mouth (hi Virginia).

The older I get, the more of a secular humanist I become. My crisis of faith sent me in search of another religion, and what I found was that I would never know peace by knowing Jesus. I’m sure that makes many people sad, and they’re going to pray for my soul. I appreciate that, but I hope your faith comforts you while the carbon cycle is making short work of you.