I hope the CEO of Chase Bank dies in a fire

I called Chase from my work phone Saturday morning for two reasons: find out my interest rate, and to talk them down to 0% for 12 months. Now this tactic rarely works with credit card companies because they (like cell phone providers) treat new customers like gold and existing customers like rust.

I spoke to a woman in customer service who could not help me, so she transferred me to some other department. I waited on hold for almost 5 minutes before the phone hung up on me. Thinking nothing of it, I just decided I'd conduct this negotiation online using their (horrible, awful, hideous, user-adversarial) website. I exchanged three emails with three different agents who clearly didn't read what I wrote to them.

Around 4:00pm, I decided to run to Wegmans and get some groceries. I filled up my cart with a weeks worth of tastiness, swiped my little Chase Mastercard, and bang...declined. Since I had Just done my bills, and I knew I had about $9,200 in available credit, I knew I was in for a treat.

I called the 800 number on my card and was directed to the consumer fraud department. Miss Shanaynay answered and done-asked me a half dozen random security questions to make sure I was me, and was all "what can I do for you?"

"Umm...why am I talked to you? And why was my card declined?"

"Well sir, you called in from a number we didn't recognize yesterday, and you never spoke to the person you were directed to so your account was suspended."

"Wait...so...I called in from my office number, which you should have on file, I answered all the security questions I was asked, and because I was transferred to another department and disconnected before I got there my account was suspended?"

"That is correct."

"And no one called me back?"

"No sir, we don't do that."

"Well I exchanged three emails with customer service about my interest rate after that. None of them thought to mention there was an issue with my account, or indicate that I really should call in to discuss this so you could verify my identity?"

"No."

"Alright. Are you authorized to close my account? Because that is who I need to speak to right now."

When I finally got to the retention specialist, dude was like "I can give you 10.74% on your account." I told him, "I am already an American Express customer, and I have an offer in my hand: 0% for 12 months on purchases and balance transfers. If you can't match that then close my account and go fuck yourself."

He closed the account. My car loan is with Chase, and when that fucker is gone in January they're not getting my business again.