Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Coding Lady Marmalade

theAlphaJohn: (portal) shit and died today
Will: nice
theAlphaJohn: we cant get it up
theAlphaJohn: im working on it right now
the consultant blamed josh's skins for portal
Will: awesome
Will: how can a skin fuck with the system?
theAlphaJohn: the login page wont render
Will: i thought josh just replaced the image files or whatever
theAlphaJohn: basically
some css and xslt
it's mocha chocola-yay-yay-taht

The Internet(s) Invent Funny News Truth

Blessed Cornhole of Mohammed; from Yahoo News:

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

By Joe Bavier Tue Apr 22, 1:24 PM ET

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

::cricket:: ::cricket::

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.

Penis theft? Sorcerers?

Memory Test

Remember The Visionaries?
Three suns align, pour forth his might
and fill the archer's might

The arrows turn, the swords rebel
May nothing pierce this mortal shell

Sheath these feet in the driving gail
make swift these legs, o'ver land I sail

And then the McDonald's Menu Song?
Big Mac, McDLT
Some Quarter Pounders with some cheese
Filet O Fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a Happy Meal

McNuggets, tasty golden fries, regular or larger size
A salad, chef or garden, or a Chicken Salad Oriental
Big, Big Breakfast, Egg McMuffin, hot-hotcakes and sausage
baby biscuit bacon egg and cheese a sausage danish, hash browns too

and for desset, hot apple pies, a sundae (three varieties)
a soft serve cone, three kinds of shakes, a chocolaty chip cookie
and to drink a coca-cola, diet coke, and orange, sprite too
and coffee, decafe too, a lowfat milk and also orange juice

i love mcdonalds, good time, great taste
and i get them all in one place


you want that to go?


Fuck, the Internet makes it difficult for me to show off my cranium sponge.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

It occurs to me

While waiting to start my business law exam, I overheard some students discussing registration for their fall classes.

I realized this is probably the first time in 11 years I have not anticipated the new class schedule or chased my time ticket.


Four weeks, then 1 class to go. I'll actually have my undergrad before I turn 30, and I can do whatever the fuck I want this fall.

A return to DJ school perhaps?

AIBO + April

Mike thinks that this invention is like a cross between my past Robot Dog and my future mammal pet:

I doubt it will eat my new furniture, so I'm going to pass for now.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Welcome to Washington, Empress Ratzinger

So thoughtful of you to apologize for decades of kid-touching. It makes me want to take Metro to mass:

And, might I say, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Blogger or not, you're fired

preggers is NOT a word!

I don't care what shit-face owns your newspaper, at least pretend you're a fucking journalist.


There is not a plague strong enough to fix the human race.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

NAVTEQ: We lose, you win

Thank you for your recent Map Report. We have completed our investigation of your Map Report.

For the NAVTEQ tracking number: 00570CU8IJ2VDVJZ
Submitted on : 27, Dec 2007 11:54:58
Problem Description:
Montrose Road has been moved, construction still in progress.

Our Resolution Outcome is: Database Updated - Navigable Geometry
Details: The new, open segment of Montrose Parkway has been added to the NAVTEQ database. Please see PVID 750115166. This information was field verified.

For more details, proceed to your Map Report at

NAVTEQ delivers regularly scheduled map updates to our business partners which include database enhancements. The commercial release dates for these products will vary depending on each business partner’s product plans. If your Map Report did not result in a database change, please note that we track these items and evaluate them with our business partners on a regular basis to enhance navigation system performance.

Having the latest map in your system makes a difference to system performance with the latest roads, addresses and Points of Interest. If you are interested in an updated map for your navigation system, please contact your system provider or check our online store at

We welcome your feedback on the NAVTEQ Map. Thank you for helping to keep the NAVTEQ Map the most accurate and highest quality in the business.

The NAVTEQ Map Reporter Team

Now I just need to wait until my stupid GPS gets this update.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

TV Writers: You May Go Back on Strike

I may have to eat my criticism of Bravo in light of their new hit show Step it Up & Dance. This writer-less masterpiece, staring Elizabeth Berkley (who has added 34 credits to her bio since her 1995 Emmy winning performance in Show Girls), has given me something besides Law and Order reruns to watch.

That's right fools, we don't need you anymore.
"Step It Up & Dance" is a reality competition series where contestants will learn what it takes to make it big in the cutthroat dance industry. Celebrated actress and dancer Elizabeth Berkley will serve as host and Emmy Award nominee and Tony Award-winning director and choreographer Jerry Mitchell will mentor the 12 dancers chosen from around the country, as they master every conceivable dance style, from ballet and ballroom to Broadway and burlesque.

When the contestants first meet Elizabeth, they cut away to James, who is as excited about 12 weeks of Jessie Spano as I:
"Show Girls was a grueling movie -- like...she had to dance. And she danced on Save by the Bell, and she sang. Hello? I'm so excited.

Thank you James, I couldn't have said it better myself. People often think I'm kidding when I say that Show Girls, once you get past 2 hours of naked booby-dancing, is the greatest story of personal triumph ever captured on film.

Once Elizabeth gives her introduction speech, she tells everyone to go check out their apartment and get ready, because they are going out tonight. They make their way to Boulevard 3, where the music is bangin' and the alcohol is flowin'. As Miguel says, "Hello? Free alcohol? Go for the gold." The dancers one-up each other until...

[music stops]
Elizabeth: "Everybody stop! We're gonna pause the music and stop! Extras...thank you so much, you can leave. All my dancers, come right here."
Janelle: "What's going on?"
Elizabeth: "Your first challenge has already begun

Oh dang! Judges are watching, and this is the first challenge. I wonder what the message boards are saying about this?!?!

::cricket:: ::cricket::

After a dance off, a judge divides everyone into a winning group and an elimination group. After making the winning group, James ("we're sisters") and Miguel ("and yeah, we call ourselves the mean girls") are seen rolling around on a bed, laughing how Michael is not good.

The winning group had 90 minutes to choreograph a 1 minute routine to Spice Up Your Life (which happens to be Miguel's favorite Spice Girl's song). They made it look much easy, but I'm sure it wasn't. The elimination group, which had both (questionably) straight male contestants, were performing a different minute of Spice Up Your Life.

Tragedy strikes less than an hour before callbacks as Nicole's injury (caused by the boots she wore at Boulevard 3) sends her to the hospital. It's a race against the clock, and when the hospital tells her that she has a torn tendon, she decides to leave the show. ::death of Incredible Hulk music::

Special guest Scary Spice comes to see the performance, is there no end to the A list celebs Bravo will throw at this show? It needs no help, it's the best show on TV. If, like Andrew, I had paid $150.00 to see the Spice Girls live, I could better judge these performances. Janelle won the first challenge, James was a close second, and Jessica would have gone home if she didn't have immunity.

And now, THE LOSERS, who are 1 loser short. The looks on the judge's faces were priceless, so which loser gets to go home? The elimination phrase can make a reality show a hit, and Nomi Malone sealed this show's success when she told Adriana, "The show's over".

This show, like everything Elizabeth does, is way ahead of its time. Any criticism it gets shows the critics don't realize that this is the America's glorious future.

So viewers, if you want to watch the next big hit, set your DVR and Step it Up!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Sex with (Patio) Furniture

No surprise, this is from Fox News:

(BELLEVUE, OH) -- Police say a man in Bellevue, Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.

The police officer interviewed for this piece makes it worth watching:

I'm reminded of Weird Al's movie, UHF, where he interviews people about Sex with Furniture. Sadly, I could not find the clip on Youtube.