Wednesday, May 31, 2006

What I want for Christmas (in July)...

A proper wingman.

Ransim and I discuss Haute Couture

theAlphaJohn: did i send you the MIT automated dorm room link?
Ransim: no
theAlphaJohn: you must follow the link and watch the video
theAlphaJohn: push the party button, and listen to the gayest techno ever
Ransim: HAHAH all I can think is, OMG dorks
theAlphaJohn: when i used to go to florida and do training for the disney on ice staff, we used to joke that some of the guys need "you got game" training, cause they have none
theAlphaJohn: these guys need a 001-level course
Ransim: I'd hate to be in a room near theirs though
theAlphaJohn: no kidding
theAlphaJohn: 3am influx of nerds...the girl with the mousey hair who has never met conditioner
Ransim: hahahaha
theAlphaJohn: they get drunk and discuss episodes of Laguna Beach
Ransim: HAHAHA do they wear the stuff they see on MTV because it has a +10 aura of cool and a +3 change of attracting the opposite sex?
theAlphaJohn: nerds wearing hollister, little do they know, is no better than nerds in mt dew tee shirts and old navy cargo pants
Ransim: like the great hat of Rico sauve channeling?
theAlphaJohn: lol
Ransim: "like omg dood I totally got this shirt from hot topic and the guy that works there says its like totally +10 for Charisma, so i can attract chicks"
theAlphaJohn: skinny guys with bed head are not more attractive in a shirt that says "i gave your mom a ride"
Ransim: LOL
theAlphaJohn: i should put a course proposal together and send it to mit
Ransim: fat girls in sparkly baby tshirts and stringy hair are not made more hotter by the shirt sporting a playboy symbol either
Ransim: heh
theAlphaJohn: omg indeed
theAlphaJohn: actually here's a serious faux paux i saw at starbucks today, i need an opinion
Ransim: k
theAlphaJohn: is there an age when you're "too old" to have two-tone hair (black and bleach blonde) and wear eye shadow with glitter in it?
Ransim: yea, like 22 or 23 maybe depending on how you look
theAlphaJohn: so if you're pushing 40? like late 30s?
Ransim: no
Ransim: unless you LOOK like you're in your early 20s
theAlphaJohn: yeah not so much
theAlphaJohn: i just wanted to shake her and say "i know you're listing to Pixie by Ani diFranco in your car, but you're not a paper doll"
Ransim: lol
Ransim: I hate seeing old women dressed like they're teenagers
Ransim: *shudders* especially in halter tops with their sharp shoulder blades and wrinkly old people flesh out, and saggy old women boobs without a bra *shudder*
Ransim: I also have a special hate on for capri pants as well
theAlphaJohn: *nod*
theAlphaJohn: I don't understand all the guys in mandles
theAlphaJohn: but my ex-gf was a nazi about mandles and manpris
Ransim: ewww yeah I can understanding the mandles when you're at the beach they are alot more comfy then flip flops, but every single day?
Ransim: and flip flops.... nothing urks me more then seeing people in sweat shirts, jeans and FLIP FLOPS
Ransim: at least we aren't in japan
Ransim: ganguro *shudder*
theAlphaJohn: *gasp*
Ransim: you've never seen ganguro?
theAlphaJohn: no
theAlphaJohn: so basically, it's a fashion trend of all that is horrible
Ransim: yup... crazy japanese
theAlphaJohn: would the american version be fake tan, glitter eye shadow, a spiral perm after bleaching one's hair white, low-rise capri pants, halter top, thong, tramp stamp on the lower back, coach purse, and very high pointy shoes?
Ransim: or a candy raver
theAlphaJohn: lol
theAlphaJohn: it is foam rave season
theAlphaJohn: the most hygenine that candy ravers get all year
Ransim: HAHAH

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Spending too much time with "the football"

On Friday, George sent me a link to this video:

and in the email said, "you have too much time on your hands if you are making videos like this and putting them online..."

George and I traded some emails on Sunday debating whether or not we should bike on this beautiful day:

From: theAlphaJohn
To: George
Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 16:04:51
Subject: my soul is in danger

parents left this am
i slept until 2pm
i'm in my underwear watching laguna beach on mtv, the *worst* show ever


bike today/tonight/tomorrow?

Needless to say, we traded emails until George called me about 5:30pm and we decided we were going to go over to Great Falls Park and bike. Only problem was that I only have on bike carrier on my roof rack and his car is ill at the moment (but will be fixed before we autocross in June).

Solution? Drive over to REI, buy another bike carrier, throw it on my rack (which was in the garage and not on my car), and go pick him up at the metro. Though Great Falls Park closed at dark (Sunset: 8:25pm).

In any event, we made it, got about an hour of biking in before deciding GFP is much better for hiking that for biking, then went over to Burke Lake Park (which we pulled in just in time for the gates to closed). We drove around the corner, parked in some neighborhood, then biked back into the park and harassed the silly campers.

Afterwards we came back here, grilled some animal, and watched some crap tv. We were lucky enough to see the funniest Law & Order ever (unfortunately, Andrew was not there to watch it with us). I'll spare you the recap.

Usually during these outings, George and I catch up on things we may or may not have shared with the other since last we hung out. George shared the WRX STi vs the Forrester STi video from Google today, and then decided to send me this email:

Date: Tue, 30 May 2006 01:13:54 +0000
From: George
To: theAlphaJohn
Subject: pony

While looking around the internet i found the little girl who took
your pony...

And what is on that blog?

Her Mane Is Obviously Fake

Dad: What are you going to name your new horse, honey?
Little girl with My Little Pony: Skankbag!

Overheard by: Michelle

Monday, May 29, 2006

torturing girls on craigslist

via my secret, sexy gmail address...

CLtramp: i'm sorry, but if you want a girl to actually reply it helps if you sound like a nice person and not a mean jerk..... just a little advice.
theAlphaJohn: but then i'd be lying, and what girl wants to ride a liar like a painted pony?
CLtramp: true i won't fuck an asshole. I will only have sex with guys who are fun
and nice.
theAlphaJohn: which, if you got to know me, you'd realize i am fun and nice. just ask my married fuck buddy
CLtramp: that was a joke right?
theAlphaJohn: bend over i'll show you
CLtramp: well i am going to bed now. good night and good luck
theAlphaJohn: good night to you then. and try not to roll over, lest skinny be dead

Friday, May 26, 2006

Technology Captures Nerd Mating Ritual on Fifth Avenue


Monday, May 22, 2006
Marriages made in Mac heaven

Love was in the air as Apple opened its newest retail store on New York's Fifth Avenue. The eighth person in line proposed to his girlfriend, and she said yes. No word on the response to the enterprising engagement-seeker who presented his proposal to Uschi Lang in front of an Apple-operated time-lapse camera. Some tips for the newlyweds-to-be: Here are helpful instructions on how to plan your wedding on a Mac

And I said, "What about Breakfast at Starbucks?"

Andrew once said it best, "the person who invented the breakfast sandwiches at Starbucks should win a nobel prize." They really are very tasty with your morning coffee, but I wondered how healthy they were.

To find out, I went to Starbucks website, and lo and behold there was no nutrition information for them anywhere. I called the Starbucks customer service hotline and got the friendly Starbucks employee to give me the low-down over the phone:
NameCalsFatSat. FatCholstrlSodiumCarbsProtein
Eggs Flourentine45021101907204418
Lowfat Turkey Bacon33073207504321
Ham, Egg, and Cheese4001781809904022
Sausage, Egg, and Cheese4901991709004020

Not as horrible as I thought, but definately not something to eat everyday.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Apple: Think Haptic

George sent an email last night that linked to the video below. It's a demonstration of touch screen technology that is patented by Apple, and hopefully we be a consumer product sooner rather than later.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Pomp and Circumstances

I got unofficial word from my advisor today that my graduation application was received, processed, and accepted. At the end of the semester I'll see a note online that I've "Graduated" and come about October my diploma should arrive in the mail.


It only took me 10 fucking years to get my Associates Degree in General Studies. Go me!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Where can I buy me some shame?

Once or twice a week I find myself at the cleaners. I'm either dropping stuff off, picking stuff up, or both. Most of the people who work there are hispanic (the "H"'s have taken the dry cleaning trade over from the asians here in Northern Virginia), but about two months ago this white thug starts working there.

Anyway, wigger has waited on me several times, and the last time I was in there it was close to closing, and this asian girl who works there (who is probably 17 at the oldest) is harassing him about his iPod on the counter and some other bullshit. So I say to him "what did you do to deserve this?" and he's like "I know, right?". Well today I'm in there and it's busy as shit, and he ends up taking care of me, and she is hassling his ass again. So I say to him "is she still giving you shit?" and girl hears me and says, "What? I don't bother him, you should see how he treats me...hee hee hee." She's walking away and he says "right -- hey he knows he's always in here when you're hassling me." So somehow it gets around to him saying "I think she needs some..." like he's stepping over the line by implying that she needs to get laid, so I look him right in the eye and say "dude I've been wondering how much longer before you're going to hit that" and look right at her. He busts out laughing and turns bright red as I take my clothes and walk out.

I'm too young to be like this, but in my day a girl didn't have to poke your facebook profile or send you a MMS picture message of her bra on your cell phone for you to take the hint. Girl wants some more white in her rice dude, help her out.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Dropping my digital frat weight

After kaitain died in January [1] [2] [3], I needed to make changes to my website so it would run in a chroot jail.

My personal website design is pushing five years old, and while I was still at FELD I had toyed with the idea of a rewrite but didn't have any time to invest in it. During the process of making it chroot safe, however, I came to the conclusion it's time for it to go.

Rewriting the site needs to be done in a couple phases:
(1) make existing site work inside chroot jail [done in April]
(2) get rid of five years of cruft content (including favorites like "Lesbian blind date") [done as of 5 minutes ago]
(3) choose a new site design
(4) code like a mother
(5) beer

I used the metrics from my Google Analytics account to decide what pages had to stay and what should go. For now the Lawson pages stay, but much of my photoshop stuff and the page about stupid tv shows had to die.

For now, it's workable. We'll see how motivated I am to choose a new site design and start coding. I may end up moving my pictures to an external service like flickr, but we'll see. The lighter my site is, the better my options to eventually just move everything to a hosting site instead of hosting it at my house.

I don't mind running my own box, but I like to have options.

2006 :: A Summer of Electronica

Where are all the raver girls who just want to roll-with to all the shows this summer? The calendar is packed already:

Along the same lines, I was trying to explain the "Ecstasy Dad" to Annie last night, and I found this link to buy the video. HBO used to run it all the time, a fucking riot.

Mephistopheles interviewed by CNN Money

Given the number of people addicted to massively multiplayer online games (MMOGs), I've said several times now that the end of civilization will come in the form of a cell phone based MMOG.

Apparently the co-founder of Id Software is ready to cash in on that idea:

John Carmack's hobbies probably aren't a lot like yours.

He spends two days a week building rocket ships. His idea of a getaway weekend consists of holing up in a hotel room and writing programming code. And he likes to speculate on worst-case scenarios for the video game industry (and believe me, this guy can envision some scary stuff).

These days, though, cell phones are his primary hobby - specifically making games for them. It started as a lark, he said, but it has become something he quietly hopes will revolutionize gaming.


"We're probably going to have a sequel to 'Orcs and Elves' but I'm really into the idea of a massively multiplayer cell phone title," he said. "I have absolutely no interest in going and competing with Blizzard in the high end of that market, but a cell phone version might be interesting."

If by "interesting", you mean "cataclysmic", then you are correct.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Auburn, NY :: The Epicenter of Weirdness

I have an odd bond with my chiropractor -- he was born in Casanovia but spent many years in Auburn before moving here to Northern Virginia. We are both Auburnians who are not of Auburn (while I was born there, I was 2 when I escaped).

On Monday, we discussed the food in Auburn, and I got him all worked up for italian at Lasca's (which looks like a funeral home) and good italian bakeries and tasty Byrne Dairy Milk.

Today was my re-examination to see how my treatment has gone, and we spent a lot of time chit-chatting about how odd Auburn is, and how people who don't have the Auburn connection don't understand how fucking crazy it is.

This is the part where I could go into detail about a pizza from Wheels or Angelo's (where he mops the floor and then the oven, in that order, and with the same mop), but really I shouldn't have to. I'll just leave you with this:

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Gay Until Graduation

While a quick check of Northwestern University's "Prospective Students" page says nothing about a women's soccer scholarship including free dental dams, it appears they need to get up on that asap.

The fine folks over at Bad Jocks broke a story (including pictures) about their hazing of new teammates. While most of us can agree that this sort of things happens all the time, the internet has somehow made the whole ordeal much...sexier.

Fox's John Gibson, "Make More Babies"

Holy shit, when I read the headline on Wonkette I thought this was a hoax:

I wish Fox would make less douche bags. If this tosser had two brain cells he'd eat a bullet.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Hizzoner crashes his Benz

I'm still catching up on the news from last week and this past weekend, but apparently Marion Barry done-did smacked his ride up:

D.C. police cited D.C. Council member Marion Barry for a traffic violation after a minor accident early yesterday in Southeast Washington, police said.

Officers at the accident scene raised questions about Barry's sobriety, checking a box on a police report that said he appeared to be impaired. Barry (D-Ward 8) passed a breath test, however, after he was taken to the 1st District police station. He was permitted to drive home within an hour or two of the crash.

The 70-year-old former mayor was cited for failing to yield the right of way, an offense punishable by a $50 fine. He plans to contest the citation, his chief of staff said.

The crash took place at 12:10 a.m., when Barry pulled his 1990 Mercedes out of a parking space and into the path of an approaching sport-utility vehicle, police said.

Shit yeah he gonna fight that ticket. First of all, unlike our fake president, The Crunkinator still got some see-lebrity to throw around. Not to mention fiddy bucks done-buys one hell of a ho for Saturday night.

I fucking love this guy. Give DC two house voting house seats, one for Eleanor Norton-Holmes (the angriest woman alive) and one for Hizzoner. Praise him!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


Apparently you can earn an F...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

My one nice post for the day

Blogger has been flaky for a few days, and when it came back up today I needed to catch up on all my crazy/negative news. I should close the day on a more positive note.

I'm off now to have dinner with Virginia Flores, my wonderful consultant friend from Florida who taught me almost everything I know about VMS and Ross (neither of which I use anymore) and whose company I enjoy immensely. Every goiam boy should have a nice Jewish woman to drink beer and kibitz with.

Something tells me that tonight is going to be much better than today was. :)

I crush Harris Teeter with my anger

As much as I didn't want to, I ran out last night after midnight to pick up a couple things. I knew I wouldn't have time to go Tuesday, and I wanted to stock up on some things I was out of (bread, milk, cheese, silly things like that). I arrived at Harris Teeter a little after 1:00am, and sadly was not surprised to find them out of cheese, milk (yes, out of milk), and gum. At that point I cut my shopping trip short and only bought bread and bananas, and on the way out of the store I read a sign on the door that said "As of May 10th we will no longer be 24 hours". I used to shop at HT all the time, but the one in Fairfax always runs out of milk and orange juice and other things you fucking go to the store to buy.

In a complete state of rage, I went home and shot an email to HT corporate, something to the effect of "You were out of everything I needed, I only went there because Wegmans was closed, and what the hell -- if you're going to run a grocery store that never has milk, close it all together." So I get this response today:

From: "Customer Relations"
To: theAlphaJohn
Subject: case: 561532

Thank you for your email. We are sorry you could not find the items you needed in the Fairfax store. Actually, this store will be closing permanently on 6/2/06. We hope you will be able to visit one of our other locations.

Thanks for shopping with us.

Harris Teeter Customer Relations

I'd like to think my anger won here, but I think someone finally smartened up and said, "a grocery store without milk is no grocery store at all", and promptly ate a bullet.

NVCC: an insitution of higher uselessness

I still haven't gotten my grades. I spent the morning scouring the website and trying to reach someone who could tell me when they're due. I finally found a document this morning that says grades are due, "Tuesday May 10th", except today is Tuesday May 9th, so which is it?

I sent an email this morning asking when grades were due and got this:

Classes and exam ended on May 8th. Faculty members will be submitting their grades very soon.

No shit dummy, WHEN ARE THEY DUE? I just shot an email to the Provost:

Dr. Saperstone,

As the Provost, I wanted to be sure that you were aware of the confusion and lack of service surrounding grades at NVCC. I have been a part time student since 2001 -- I remember paper grade mailers and have received my grades electronically through NOVANet/NOVAConnect many times.

There is, however, little or no documentation on when professors are supposed to have grades recorded in the online system, and my attempts to get that information have not been very successful. The only reference I can find anywhere on the NVCC website is in a Word document on NVCC Alexandria's page ( that says grades are due "Tuesday, May 10th" (today is Tuesday, and tomorrow is May 10th). I spoke to someone in admissions and records at Alexandria who told me they didn't know, "but soon", and I received this response to an email I sent today:

Classes and exam ended on May 8th. Faculty members will be submitting their grades very soon.

Since we no longer receive grades in the mail, the lack of communication as to when grades will be available online traded one frustration (waiting for paper to arrive in the mail) for another (knowing when grades have posted electronically to myNVCC).

I would suggest that in the future, when grades will be posted should be added to the "Important Dates" for that term.

Career NVCC Student

Science finally explains my relationship problems

From Forbes of all places:

Lesbians react differently to the powerful sexual chemicals called pheromones than heterosexual women do, a new Swedish study finds.

However, lesbians don't respond to pheromones in exactly the same way as heterosexual men do, said study author Dr. Ivanka Savic, an associate professor of clinical neuroscience at the Stockholm Brain Institute.

Is it possible that I just produce the wrong kind of pheromones? Can I get my scent gland removed like a ferret?

But the entire fascinating article is succinctly summarized:

The new research suggests that "female sexuality is quite different than male sexuality," he said.

And in other news, the sky is blue.

Wow, blogger is back up

This bitch is up and down like a circus seal. How the fuck is someone supposed to blog under these conditions?


Manorexia and boylemia

Where do these people come from? And why do I always see them?

I was shaving in the lockerroom at the gym this morning, and in walks a guy who is borderline manorexic (pretty thin for somebody who works out), and he proceeds into a stall and starts throwing up.

Now this is not "I drank too much last night and am working out too hard" boot, nor is this "3000 calories of whey protein should not be downed before I get on the treadmill" regurgitation, this is a very light "Silly goose! No Egg McMuffins! Naughty!" upchuck. It's the sound of a boylemic purging away his poor choice from a short time ago.

By the time I showered and got dressed, he was back upstairs cranking through a workout like a man posessed. Score one for gender equality.

Personal Days

This past semester was probably one of the most difficult in my academic career. It's a sad statement -- I only took 5 credits, and how hard can Calculus II be the third time around? It wasn't difficult because of the material (fuck, a smart high school kid can ace this class), it wasn't difficult because of all the hours I had to put in, or the tutor I had to get. What made this semester so hard was to devote so much of my prescious time doing something I'm not good at, that I will never be good at, that only serves to wear away at my self esteem.

Whether I get the F I earned (how does one earn an F?) or my professor takes pity on me and pushes though a D, there is only a minor change in my academic course. Either situation is tollerable, but I've been waiting a week to find out which course I need to chart. If I had known in January that I didn't need this class, I would have taken a fluff class and enjoyed myself a whole lot more.

Whatever. The whole ordeal is over, before I can move on and return to the grind I need to rest. I'm done fool. Finished. Fried. There is no wick, there is no wax, there is no candle to burn at both ends.

With only a week and a half between Spring Semester and Summer Term, and my "annual trip to Europe" coffers drained from the pay cut that my new job affords me, my much deserved vacation will have to be confined to the greater Fairfax City metro area. That, and the meetings I can't miss on Tuesday and Thursday at work mean I can only have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

I decided to use my three remaining personal days to catch up on things and with people before it all starts over again on May 15th:

  • Stain the french doors

  • Powerwash and stain the deck (though I doubt there will be time)

  • Take the used oil the previous owners left to county hazardous waste

  • Refill both propane tanks for the grill

  • Finish the molding in the hall and master bedroom so the fucking carpet can be put down

  • Dinner with Virginia (been putting off since February)

  • Dentist Appointment

  • 30k Service on my car

  • Lunch with Lisa

Of course, some things snuck on the list: Paul van Dyk at Nation Thursday, the trunk on my car not closing (forcing the 30k service), and an interview on Wednesday for a job I really wasn't looking for or planning on.

My checklist is long, and this week is going to be insane, but my only hope is when it's all over I'll have a sense of being all caught up.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Of Crack Whores and Trannies

Apparently it was an exciting night on Craigslist:

I fear for society.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Science :: Turning boy parts into girl parts

In honor of "National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy", Slate ran this article which suggests that the drop in teen pregnancy has less to do with safe sex and more to do with the feminization of human males due to environmental pollution:

What, though, if the drop in teen pregnancy isn't a good thing, or not entirely? What if there's a third explanation, one that has nothing to do with just-say-no campaigns or safe-sex educational posters? What if teenagers are less fertile than they used to be?

Not the girls—the boys?


The great sperm-count debate began in 1992, when a group of Danish scientist published a study suggesting that sperm counts declined globally by about 1 percent a year between 1938 and 1990. This study postulated that "environmental influences," particularly widely used chemical compounds with an impact like that of the female hormone estrogen, might be contributing to a drop in fertility among males. If true, this was obviously an alarming development, particularly given that human sperm counts are already strikingly low compared to almost any other species. "Humans have the worst sperm except for gorillas and ganders of any animal on the planet," points out Sherman Silber, a high-profile urologist who attributes this in part to short-term female monogamy. Since one man's sperm rarely has to race that of another man to the finish, things like speed and volume are less important in human sperm than in other animals, permitting a certain amount of atrophy among humans.


Among the evidence presented are several trends that seem to point to a subtle feminization of male babies: a worldwide rise in hypospadias, a birth defect in which the urethral opening is located on the shaft of the penis rather than at the tip; a rise in cryptorchidism, or undescended testicles; and experiments Swan has done showing that in male babies with high exposure to compounds called phthalates, something called the anogenital distance is decreasing. If you measure the distance from a baby's anus to the genitals, the distance in these males is shorter, more like that of...girls.

Huh. And here I was going to blog this morning about (what I perceive to be) the astronomical increase in casual sex as a result of the internet (vis a vie craigslist, myspace, but certainly not facebook since that encourages people to "poke" each other).

Generou$ with compliments

Mike: well that's smart
theAlphaJohn: smart is one of the many adjectives used to describe me
Mike: oh really?
theAlphaJohn: people also use wise
theAlphaJohn: thoughtful
theAlphaJohn: energetic
theAlphaJohn: generous
Mike: generous? Or generou$ (with a dollar sign)
theAlphaJohn: ...
Mike: You do spend a lot of time on craigslist
theAlphaJohn: ><
theAlphaJohn: I hate you

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Counting Crows tickle my fancy

I fired up iTunes a few minutes ago set it to play my "Top Rated" songs randomly. The first song it chose was a live version of "Rain King" by Counting Crows at The George Washington Smith Center in October of 2002. I was at the concert with Trevin (2002 was the year of the concert for both of us I think) and picked up the bootleg about six months later.

This is probably my favorite live song ever: in the interlude before the last verse, the band performs all of "Raining in Baltimore" to the tune of Rain King. Right about the 3 minute mark you can hear the change over, and as soon as Adam belts out the first line you can clearly here my stupid-ass scream at the top of my lungs. And once you recognize my scream, you'll pick it out many other times in the song.

Anyway, have a listen for yourself:

this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Zombie Vampire [Fighting/Flying] Ponies

My boss Tom, who's working out his notice, took a few moments today to help me brainstorm about using crazy ideas for creative problem solving:

Short-timer Tom: Hey you have to try out some of the crazy ideas as well.
theAlphaJohn: those are my favorite
theAlphaJohn: especially when they don't work
Short-timer Tom: Like having a uni-pony ;-). Or a uni-pony jumping on a moon-bounce?
theAlphaJohn: that's the point tom -- i need the moon bounce so the pony has something to do when i'm at work. now pony knees aren't designed for bouncing, but hopefully evolution will kick in
Short-timer Tom: Assuming that there are "jumps" in evolution (pun intended) that would allow the knees to evolve in a generation or two.
theAlphaJohn: exactly
theAlphaJohn: think how much more excited little girls would be at jumping ponies?
theAlphaJohn: then parents wouldn't need both a pony and a moon bounce
Short-timer Tom: Too f'ing funny. I can image the Saturday morning commercials for that one.
Short-timer Tom: My Little Jumping Pony. Only available at Wal-Mart.
theAlphaJohn: gross
theAlphaJohn: my ponies will be genetically engineered to rage against walmart
Short-timer Tom: Could it be that there will the maniacal, jumping, killer, robot ponies for the boys?
theAlphaJohn: oh!
theAlphaJohn: with armored head-mounted water cannons?
Short-timer Tom: Cool! I like that. Of course you have to have the remote control rocket launcher saddle attachment.
theAlphaJohn: can we breed them so the pony patties are toxic?
theAlphaJohn: and make them unkillable? and then make them zombies?
Short-timer Tom: Then they will take over the world! Great!
theAlphaJohn: "Unkillable Zombie Bouncing Fight-Ponies"
theAlphaJohn: The first rule of pony fight club? never talk about pony fight club
Short-timer Tom: Of course we will have to have the "Night of the Living Zombie Robot Ponies". The new movie that will scare the living daylights out of you.
theAlphaJohn: but it would be a reality show
theAlphaJohn: and some celebrity could host it
Short-timer Tom: Yes, that's the point. There really is no escape. Bwa ha ha ha!
theAlphaJohn: it would be on animal planet, and they'd go from city to city watching little boys have mock battles with their zombie fight-ponies
theAlphaJohn: like living anime it would be
Short-timer Tom: Hmmm. Kind of like Yugio but with real life zombie Pony-Pal ponies.
theAlphaJohn: trying to put together a breeding program for this will be hard
theAlphaJohn: but in five generations i want "painted vampie zombie fight ponies". they can drink the blood of neighbor children
Short-timer Tom: Of course we would want to cross bat genes into the breeding so that the vampire ponies can fly.
theAlphaJohn: maybe i can get the red cross to lend VC to the project if the ponies cut the RC in on their blood ... uh...consumption? donation?
theAlphaJohn: !!!
theAlphaJohn: don't be ridiculous tom
theAlphaJohn: flying vampire zombie bouncing fight ponies?
theAlphaJohn: that's too many adjectives
theAlphaJohn: i can't market that shit
Short-timer Tom: LOL.
Short-timer Tom: How about Vampire Zombie Bouncing Flight Ponies. Just change Fight to Flight and you are all set.
theAlphaJohn: i can't get the rich bitches of mclean to buy that up?
theAlphaJohn: maybe if we offer two lines
theAlphaJohn: for the girls: ponies who fly
theAlphaJohn: err for boys: ponies who fight
theAlphaJohn: but no teeth, only fangs
Short-timer Tom: We have to think long term here. There are going to be many pony lines. We have to keep our eye on the market to see what it is people really want. I mean, we can have the flying/fighting ponies for the kids, but maybe there is an adult line as well.
theAlphaJohn: we're dangerously close to katherine the great here tom
theAlphaJohn: maybe we should quit while we're ahead

I just wish I knew what problem we were trying to solve...?

Monday, May 01, 2006

Steven Colbert roasts Bush at Correspondents Dinner

Steven Colbert clearly needs a forklift to carry his balls around: