I'm Voting Republican

Watch the video to see why.



Thanks to Mike for passing this on.

The Safeway Supercomputer

When an odd thought strikes me, I usually send a text message about it to several friends and see what sticks:

theAlphaJohn: When I buy a bottle of Pinotage and break-and-bake cookies, do you think the Safeway Supercomputer assumes I'm a lesbian who just miscarried?
Mike: Or your boyfriend of 7 years finally told you that he's not the marrying type.
theAlphaJohn: Either way, a Lane Bryant coupon should have spit out.

Just because they make it in your size, girl, doesn't mean you should wear it. :/

This Odd Brunch

Fitness and food go hand-in-hand. Meredith and I swim, then we eat. Mike and I work out, then we eat.

I asked for an Entertainment Book for Christmas to try and get over my irrational phobia of coupons. After working out on Sunday, Mike and I consulted the book and decided to try lunch at T.T. Reynolds; the only problem being that T.T. Reynolds isn't open for lunch on the weekend.

We decided that we'd try The Firehouse Grill since they were open and had "grill" in the name. The service was excellent, and the food was very good, but it turned out that Mike and I were the only two people who didn't know everybody else in the place, and on stage Carol Gaylor and Bruce Katsu were performing popular songs.

::scratches head::

The whole experience was surreal, and I do plan to do it again, but there should be some kind of warning on the outside: "You meal may include a Sheryl Crow cover".

The Text Messaging Gods are Concerned by my Absence

That didn't take long.

As previously mentioned, I switched to Verizon last March after breaking a few T-Mobile phones. While I've been pleased with Verizon's service, customer service, and pricing, I fucking hate this phone.

Which isn't a problem anymore, since it shit and died today.

I received a text message from George that I replied to without any trouble, then opened the phone to send a text message and the screen was frozen. I turned the phone off and on, screen still fucked. I took out the battery, screen still fucked.

It lights up, it shows that ugly-ass background I picked, but the screen never updates again.

Since Verizon kindly let me out of my contract, and Cingular/AT&T Wireless updated their list of phones that are eligible for equipment insurance, I ordered a Sony W810i from Amazon. I broke one of my personal rules about signing a 2-year contract, but the cancellation fee is $175 and they're paying me $50 to take the phone. It's cheaper to take the phone and the payoff and give them the finger in a year than to get a 1-year contract.

This also means that Andrew and my parents are no longer free to talk to at any time, but George, Joey, and Mary are. Mike never was, and as long as he's with Sprint he never will be. :p

The Week in Pandas

Forget about Paris Hilton's DUI and (Asian-looking) Suri Cruise's pictures in Vanity Fair, this news cycle has been all Pandas, all the time.

First up, the birth of a new cub by artificial insemination at the Zoo in Atlanta.


From Wonkette:

What else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan.

But the incompetent mama panda was somehow inseminated — artificially, like all panda moms, even in the wild — and now there’s a baby panda that experts say is ugly and dumb and obviously no match for Butterstick.

Our Panda birth commentary comes from Justin and Dr. Jason:

[via email]
theAlphaJohn: Jason, did you get your plane ticket yet to see the new panda cub?
Jason: 1st I need to find a Yeti....so I can make some gravy.
theAlphaJohn: I have some leftover in my fridge. Get us a couple danger dogs and we'll meet you at the airport.
Jason: Everyone knows they don't allow yeti gravy on planes.
theAlphaJohn: I'll tell them it's personal lubricant

Next up, the exciting news from China that Giant Panda Mommy Ya Ya dropped and crushed one of her twins:

BEIJING - Staff at a zoo in southwest China are in mourning after a sleep-deprived panda dropped her two-day-old baby and crushed it to death, local media reported on Friday.

“It was very sudden, but also unavoidable,” Guo Wei, panda department chief at Chongqing city zoo in the southwestern region of Chongqing, told the Chongqing Business News daily.

Ya Ya, a seven-year-old panda and new mother of twins, “appeared tired” when nursing the younger cub in a patch of grass, the paper said.

Her head sagged, her paws separated and her baby fell to the ground next to her. The panda then rolled on to her side and crushed her baby beneath her.

The tragedy occurred because she hadn’t slept or eaten properly since giving birth, Guo said, adding that Ya Ya lacked motherhood experience.

According to Guo, the zoo had tried on several occasions to separate the cub from its mother for their safety, but Ya Ya “was very cautious” and would “roar and bare her teeth” at zoo-keepers.

The elder of the twins was in good health and being cared for, zoo officials said.

But Ya Ya had proved inconsolable, wailing and looking for her baby after its body was taken away from her.

“Pandas who lose their young tend to be depressed for a month or so,” Guo said, adding that the zoo would assign people to care for her and provide special food to improve her mood.

First: HA HA! You crushed your chillin!
Second: I love that Panda mothers have crushed so many of their infants to death like this, we have a baseline norm for how they behave.

theAlphaJohn: [link]
Mike: awww
Mike: she should be locked up
Mike: oh, she is.....she's in a zoo
theAlphaJohn: LOL
theAlphaJohn: don't be a hippie
Mike: i crack myself up sometimes.

And for the final word, once again here is Dr. Jason: "ha...this is why they belong with the dinosaurs......"

Alright, I admit it

It's two weeks before the semester starts, and not only did I update my Facebook profile, but I'm poking girls who were born around the time I finished Grade 4.

[ed. Conversation with Mike following this post]

Mike: um, excuse me.....
theAlphaJohn: ?
Mike: exactly what girls are you poking?
theAlphaJohn: you just read my blog
theAlphaJohn: hot incoming freshman
theAlphaJohn: and sophomores
theAlphaJohn: residentential students
Mike: you wish
theAlphaJohn: my future ex-wife lives in president's park (freshman housing)
Mike: possibly true enough, but you made it sound like the current, not the future poking.
theAlphaJohn: it's a virtual poke
Mike: oh.
theAlphaJohn: i got my profile all ready for fall semester
theAlphaJohn: i added some pictures and changed out my interests
Mike: so you should get laid soon.
theAlphaJohn: probably any minute
Mike: As the alpha john, I'm sure you'll be ready.
theAlphaJohn: im always ready
Mike: at a moment's notice.
theAlphaJohn: as a former (albeit medicore) boy scout
theAlphaJohn: i failed at knots but excelled at pharmacopea
Mike: not surprising
theAlphaJohn: a facebook profile and a puppy, i'll have six stds by midterms

Long Weekend, Long Hump Day

Above: two UPS trucks attempt their own kind of clandestine hump day activity

It's been a few days, and your feed burners have been quiet, so I guess I should post a little update before I get back to my workday (already in progress).

I attended a happy hour last Thursday for Lisa's last day at FELD as well as Jennifer's last days in Virginia. Lisa took a job at BAH and Jennifer and Justin are moving to their beautiful new home in NC.

I spent some time working on the house this weekend. I bought (what I think is) the rest of the molding for the living room and family room. Mike helped me put the handles on the french doors, so I guess they are officially done. We actually spent a fair amount of time together this weekend -- his wife is out of town for a few weeks, and we split time between working on his house (I hate painting) and my place. Since I've been talking about puppies for weeks, we made a few unsuccessful attempts to go look at puppies. One attempt was foiled by July 4th traffic, and two others (the Fairfax and Loudon shelters) turned out to be closed on Monday. I suspect the universe is keeping from me puppies for some reason (perhaps I am their messiah, or perhaps the entire puppy race is afraid of me?).



On Cory's recommendation, I checked out Urban Retreat in Reston this weekend. It doesn't look like much from the outside, but there may finally be furniture in my future. Now if I can just get my color samples, measurements, and favorite cousin to take a trip there with me we'll be all set. ;)

I got turned on to the Buzzlife Buzzcast from a handout I snagged leaving Starscape this year. Something from the Buzzlife archives is added every week, and so far I've been very impressed. From that, I have also started listening to DJ Jon Carpenter's podcast, which is a collection of older mixes he was involved in. The mix I'm listening to now (2Rip VS. Jon Carpenter @ Wednesday Night Mayhem) has everything from Sublime to DJ Icey in it.

School is definitely heading in the right direction, though not quite where I'd like it. There was an issue regarding admission to Mason and having to wait for my transcript from NVCC which had my degree posted to it which has been taken care of. Admissions has agreed to accept and re-eval my NVCC transcript once the degree is posted. I was hoping to get a time ticket to register for this last summer session (which started this morning), but apparently everyone in the Registrar's office is on vacation. I'm looking at a CLEP exam to get out of one class I need, if I can't get into summer session I may study for that and get it done before August.

Yesterday, freak weather swept through our area for about 10 minutes. Local trees still in shock, residents thoroughly apathetic:

My ideas for the next Woot-off

Those of you who know me are familiar with my penchant for streams of consciousness. Many times when chatting me, it's like chatting with a poorly written AI-bot (I have canned dumb answers for even stupider questions like "What's up?"). To make up for that, I like to reserve the tiny thinking part of my brain for those times when I can throw everything in the mental wash with a big cup of bleach and wash on hot until everything turns pink.

Barry sent me this article about Anne Coulter blasting 9-11 widows right before Mike IMed me about a Woot-off:

Mike: Woot-Off !!!
theAlphaJohn: christ
theAlphaJohn: is there a vial of AIDS on there? I want to throw it in Anne Coulter's face
theAlphaJohn: or maybe a bucket of cancer
Mike: you'll have to stand in line.
Mike: what a bitch
theAlphaJohn: i'd like to throw a water balloon full of herpes on her stupid gash
theAlphaJohn: not that it would matter, no one is sticking their dick in that mess
Mike: lol. for sure.
Mike: actually, I think she has a dick.
Mike: albeit a little tiny one.
theAlphaJohn: what are you buying me on the woot-off?
Mike: already got you a couple of really neat electric air fresheners.
theAlphaJohn: :/
Mike: lol
theAlphaJohn: why arent there Real Dolls on there?
theAlphaJohn: or child-killing robots?
theAlphaJohn: or trannies?
theAlphaJohn: something i can use, or at least be entertained by?
Mike: your interests must lie outside the general public's interests. Imagine that.
theAlphaJohn: i doubt it
theAlphaJohn: i'm zero sigma from the mean
theAlphaJohn: which means i am the mean
Mike: I'll have to check that.
theAlphaJohn: and, ironically, i'm just plain mean
Mike: now there's something that makes sense.

Generou$ with compliments

Mike: well that's smart
theAlphaJohn: smart is one of the many adjectives used to describe me
Mike: oh really?
theAlphaJohn: people also use wise
theAlphaJohn: thoughtful
theAlphaJohn: energetic
theAlphaJohn: generous
Mike: generous? Or generou$ (with a dollar sign)
theAlphaJohn: ...
Mike: You do spend a lot of time on craigslist
theAlphaJohn: ><
theAlphaJohn: I hate you

Plums are in the air

theAlphaJohn: campus is dripping with honeys today
Mike: Oooo la la!
theAlphaJohn: i love when it's a nice day and i can smell them
theAlphaJohn: i kept walking by this girl in the hall today, she smelled like plums
Mike: and, you're not a girl?
Mike: sounds awfully flowery.
theAlphaJohn: fuck no
theAlphaJohn: i'm a plum-o-vore
theAlphaJohn: i devour on sight
Mike: ok, sold.
theAlphaJohn: particularly when i'm old enough to buy them beer