Barry decides to pile on

Barry: Since Luminis uses SunONE, and a custom version of the JVM for that matter, is there a patch for the DST change?
theAlphaJohn: Did the DST change affect Java too (stupid though that may sound)?
Barry: Yup. There are Java patches for DST.
theAlphaJohn: shit...I'll open a ticket with SCT
theAlphaJohn: what is the bill called that changes dst?
theAlphaJohn: the "I didn't vote for your fake president act of 2005"?
Barry: It's the Energy Policy Act of 2005
theAlphaJohn: i opened a support ticket
theAlphaJohn: high priority
theAlphaJohn: i estimate a response in the year of our lord 2099
Barry: it's the "Let's kick computer people in the nuts again after Y2K bill."
theAlphaJohn: if medical science makes me go through that shit again...
theAlphaJohn: i spent the millennium on the roof of my office building, and all i have to show for it is a teardrop shaped bottle of evian
theAlphaJohn: instead of getting herpes from a girl who thought the world was going to come to an end
theAlphaJohn: we did get to use the "Declare new Epoch" command in Netware though...
Barry: ooooo...At least you didn't get herpes.

My ideas for the next Woot-off

Those of you who know me are familiar with my penchant for streams of consciousness. Many times when chatting me, it's like chatting with a poorly written AI-bot (I have canned dumb answers for even stupider questions like "What's up?"). To make up for that, I like to reserve the tiny thinking part of my brain for those times when I can throw everything in the mental wash with a big cup of bleach and wash on hot until everything turns pink.

Barry sent me this article about Anne Coulter blasting 9-11 widows right before Mike IMed me about a Woot-off:

Mike: Woot-Off !!!
theAlphaJohn: christ
theAlphaJohn: is there a vial of AIDS on there? I want to throw it in Anne Coulter's face
theAlphaJohn: or maybe a bucket of cancer
Mike: you'll have to stand in line.
Mike: what a bitch
theAlphaJohn: i'd like to throw a water balloon full of herpes on her stupid gash
theAlphaJohn: not that it would matter, no one is sticking their dick in that mess
Mike: lol. for sure.
Mike: actually, I think she has a dick.
Mike: albeit a little tiny one.
theAlphaJohn: what are you buying me on the woot-off?
Mike: already got you a couple of really neat electric air fresheners.
theAlphaJohn: :/
Mike: lol
theAlphaJohn: why arent there Real Dolls on there?
theAlphaJohn: or child-killing robots?
theAlphaJohn: or trannies?
theAlphaJohn: something i can use, or at least be entertained by?
Mike: your interests must lie outside the general public's interests. Imagine that.
theAlphaJohn: i doubt it
theAlphaJohn: i'm zero sigma from the mean
theAlphaJohn: which means i am the mean
Mike: I'll have to check that.
theAlphaJohn: and, ironically, i'm just plain mean
Mike: now there's something that makes sense.

Girls: Boozers, Users, and Losers

My friends at the Washington Post published this article today detailing a study which shows teenage girls are beating teenage boys now in the war on drugs:

Teenage girls, having caught up to their male counterparts in illegal drug use and alcohol consumption, now have the dubious distinction of surpassing boys in smoking and prescription drug abuse. In the past two years, in fact, more young women than men started using marijuana, alcohol and cigarettes, according to government findings being released today.

[...]

"It's really sad the girls are winning," said Warren Seigel, chairman of pediatrics at Brooklyn's Coney Island Hospital. "This isn't the game they should be winning at."

Adolescent girls who smoke, drink or take drugs are at a higher risk of depression, addiction and stunted growth. And because substance abuse often goes hand in hand with risky sexual behavior, they are more likely to contract a sexually transmitted disease or become pregnant, warns the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, which will announce its findings in New York.

This is the kind of shit that made me (more of) a head case when I was growing up. What you're telling me is, if I act like a teenager and do a little drinking and end up naked with one or more fellow teenagers, someone is going end up pissing blood and with child?

I call shenanigans on this bullshit data.

And no I'm not stretching, the advocates who don't like this data want that kind of spin on this, they want you to be afraid that the virgin you have safe sex with might give you herpes. Kids who are afraid, they fear, aren't going to mess around.

That is, until they get to college and end up playing "the extra" in every threesome on campus. Not that I would know anything about that...

: : whistles : :

Richardsville: Have your wedding in the suburbs of beautiful Culpeper, Virginia

In the kind of "prime time reunion" not seen since Growing Pains, the vast majority of the Rock-It Grill crew reunited today to witness the blessed union of our favorite waitress, Claire, and her gun-toting groom David. Of couse, by "witness" I mean we heard the last five minutes of the ten minute ceremony from the front porch of the Richardsville Rescue Squad building:


"...in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost."

Didn't the Holy Ghost change his name in the 1940s?

"By the power invested in me, by the state of Virginia..."

Joey suspects that the pastor was really an actor from the Richardsville Community Theatre.


The last time this crew got together was the infamous Redneck BBQ at Claire and David's house in Culpepper. While it was unfortunate that DJ Laurie B couldn't join us from Pennsyltucky, there was definately enough representation from both Old School Rock-It as well as Rock-It Grill: The Fresh Meat.

Above: Brett, Joey, Christina, and Chris Harrison

While many, many, many inappropriate thoughts came to mind during the course of our 258 minutes of stationary existance in Culpepper, I'll share a few that stood out:

"Ten bucks says there will be Doritos at the reception." and then ten minutes later, "shit, it looks like I win."

"You know, in this Rescue Squad Building, with this particular crowd, if you face away from the bride and groom you'd swear you were at a Weight Watcher's meeting."

"Claire's entire family is an ad for breast reduction. It's too bad cousin Punky Brewster couldn't make it."


Claire happens to spend a lot of time on my least-favorite website ever, MySpace. This photo is of her daughter and their friends, or as was pointed out more than once, Claire's "top 8" on MySpace.

There were these Crayola wedding-themed coloring books for all of the kids. My cousin Chris, in an attempt to start trouble, brought one over to me and asked me to change all the captions. There was one with an empty plate and glass which I titled "Where's my dinner, bitch?". Another of a child bride and groom with their backs to each other, "About my bachelor party last night...they have a cure for herpes now, right?". Another of an adult bride and groom dancing together, "David, as soon as you done-shot my boo, I knew you was the man I had to marry." We gave it to Claire as she was on her way into the bathroom to take the garter off. Joey asked her from outside the bathroom, "What do you think?" and her response was, "it's impossible to pee when you're laughing this hard."

Brett caught (picked up off the floor) the garter, Christina caught the bouquet (after it bounced off Joey's chest), the bridal party graced us with the worst rendition of The Theme From Titanic ever (during which I moved the car closer to the building), Joey sang one more song, and we were back in the car for our 68 mile trip back to Leesburg.

A definate contrast to Jennifer and Justin's wedding in October.