CNN Now Projecting a Ratings Win for Themselves

Had you known before the polls closed, would you have voted for a Hologram instead of a human?



Fox News probably had to execute a terrorist live to get people to turn away from this marvel. It's like the advent of the talkies, only not-so-much.

Gizmodo has a write up if you're curious how it works.

Google's 'Relief' Gadget

Live here.



:p

McCain Hilarious at Al Smith 2008 Dinner

Seriously. I was laughing my ass off in the car last night. C-SPAN has the entire dinner, McCain's speech starts at 7:10 ::

There are signs of hope, even in this room full of proud, Manhattan Democrats. I can't shake that feeling that some people in here are pulling for me. I'm delighted to see you here tonight, Hillary. Where's Bill, by the way? Can't he take one night off from his tireless quest to make the man who defeated his wife the next President? The man is a relentless advocate for the Obama campaign, and he has a subtle approach to making the case. When a reporter asked him if Senator Obama was qualified to be President, Bill Clinton pointed out, "Sure. He's over 35 years of age and a US citizen". He was pandering to the strict constructionist crowd!

The entire transcript is here.

For serious, where has this speech writer been hiding?

The Real VP Debate

From Jared:



In Kung Fu Election, Michelle can battle Cindy.

Yiddish with George and Laura

From Andrew:



OMG...Jews!!

facebook.com/saracuda

From George:

If my grocery list were the RNCC

today after work
::applause::
Milk / butter
::applause::
Eggs
::applause::
Maverick and goose
::hoot and hollar::
Tampons (See: yay no baby)
::6 minute standing ovation::

What the fuck? I know that political conventions define glad-handing, but is this a kindergarten play?

Palin Place (or: Bristol and her boo Levi)

To get in the spirit of McCain-Palin, I made a custom tee shirt help us discuss those awkward, pesky social issues:



Please, for the children, head over to Zazzle and order yourself a couple. All my profits will be donated to (Un)Planned Parenthood.

Obama RSVPs

You may recall that I invited Barack to my graduation party. His response?

Dear John,

Thank you for contacting Obama for America and for inviting Senator Barack Obama to your event. Over the course of the campaign, Barack has met with or spoken to hundreds of thousands of Americans at kitchen tables, large rallies, small town hall meetings, and other events in every part of the country. He appreciates the outpouring of support he has received at every stop.

The unprecedented level of campaign activity since early last year speaks to the strong desire of the American people to reclaim their government. We consider every invitation, and Senator Obama values your interest in his candidacy. Due to time constraints, he must decline a large majority of invitations. After careful review, we have determined that Senator Obama will not be able to participate in your event.

We hope that you stay involved and engaged with the campaign, because we need your help. As Barack has said, “if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when… we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals.”

Thank you again for your interest and your understanding, and please accept our best wishes for a successful event.

Sincerely,

Team Scheduling
Obama for America
www.barackobama.com

=(

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick: A Real Dee-troit Pimp

If you have not been following the news about Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, you have been missing some shizzle.

Wikipedia has some nice background:

1) Manoogian Mansion party

Kilpatrick's first controversy started as rumors of a wild party in the fall of 2002 involving strippers at the official residence of the mayor—the city-owned Manoogian Mansion. It is alleged by former members of the mayor's Executive Protection Unit that the mayor's wife, Carlita Kilpatrick, came home unexpectedly and upon discovering Kwame with the strippers began to attack one of the women.

2) The murder of Tamara Greene

Tamara Greene was a 27-year-old exotic dancer who went by the name "Strawberry" and who claimed to have performed at the Manoogian Mansion party. While sitting in her car with her boyfriend, Greene was shot multiple times with a .40 caliber Glock handgun. Although official statement by Detroit Police Department claims that Ms. Greene was shot three times, sources from Homicide Division of DPD have claimed that she was shot 18 times.

3) Motorcycle Squad Harley Davidson

In July of 2003, WXYZTV reported that Kwame Kilpatrick was seen riding the streets of Detroit on a Harley-Davidson Electra Glide police motorcycle which was taken from the Detroit Police Motorcycle Squad by Kilpatrick. The report indicated that he at times was riding alone without security, placing himself at risk and that the cycle had been taken by the mayor for his personal use and pleasure.

4) Whistleblower trial

In 2003, a civil lawsuit was filed against Kilpatrick by his ex-bodyguard Harold Nelthrope and former Deputy Chief Police Gary Brown. The police officers claim they were fired because of an internal probe into the mayor's personal actions and that the firing was a violation of the whistleblower law.[37]

The trial began in August 2007 with Kilpatrick and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty both denying they were involved in an extramarital affair.

5) Text-messaging scandal

In January 2008, The Detroit Free Press examined and revealed the existence of more than 14,000 text messages exchanged between Kilpatrick and his chief of staff Christine Beatty on their city issued SkyTel pagers between September–October 2002 and April–May 2003. The dates are of importance because they encompass the time periods of the alleged Manoogian Mansion party and the ouster of Gary Brown respectively.[54]

The text-messages are the nucleus of an $8.4 million secret deal settlement by the city of Detroit. The attorneys for the city had tried since 2004 to keep the text messages hidden on the basis that they were personal and private communications.[54] However, a city directive re-authorized by Kilpatrick during his first term as mayor indicates that all electronic communication sent on city equipment should be "used in an honest, ethical, and legal manner" and cautions, "is not considered to be personal or private."[55] The mayor's spokesman said the policy only applies to city-owned equipment and the text-messages are exempt since they were sent on a city-leased device.[55]

Kilpatrick and Beatty, both married at the time, did discuss city business; however, many of the series of messages describe not a professional relationship but an extramarital sexual relationship between the two, often in graphic detail. The text messages further describe their use of city funds to arrange romantic getaways, their fears of being caught by the mayor's police protection unit, and evidence the pair conspired to fire Detroit Police Deputy Chief Gary Brown.

6) Criminal charges

On March 24, 2008, Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy announced a 12-count criminal indictment against Kilpatrick and former Detroit Chief of Staff Christine Beatty, charging Kilpatrick with eight felonies and Beatty with seven. Charges for both included perjury, misconduct in office and obstruction of justice. Worthy also suggested that others in the Kilpatrick administration could also be charged.

7) Red Lincoln Navigator

In 2005, WXYZ-TV reporter Steve Wilson reported that the city had entered an expensive one year lease for a luxury SUV. It was to be used to chauffeur the mayor's family. The lease was for $24,995; five dollars under the amount that would have required the approval of city council. Kilpatrick, chief of staff Christine Beatty, police chief Ella Bully-Cummings, and other members of the mayor's staff all denied that the red Lincoln Navigator was intended to be used by the mayor's wife and children. Eventually, Kilpatrick admitted the Navigator was for his family, claiming he had told the police chief that it was "too much" and to take it back.[64] Media coverage of this story was best known for a situation involving the mayor and his security team. Wilson had tracked Kilpatrick down in Washington, D.C., where he was attending a mayor's conference. When Wilson tried to question Kilpatrick about the Navigator lease, a member of the mayor's security team is seen on camera shoving Wilson against a wall.

8) Civic Fund

On May 8, 2007, WXYZ reported that Kilpatrick used $8,600 from his secret Kilpatrick Civic Fund to take his wife, three sons and babysitter on a week long vacation to a five-star California resort, the La Costa Resort and Spa.[66] The fund, controlled by Kilpatrick's sister and friends, was created to improve the city of Detroit through voter education, economic empowerment and crime prevention. Tax and accounting experts said Kilpatrick's use of the fund was a violation of IRS regulations.[67] The story was also compounded after WXYZ's cameras caught Kilpatrick in a fit of rage grabbing the microphone out of the hand of reporter Ray Sayah and throwing it hard across the room such that it hit a wall, while Sayah tried to question him about the situation.

9) Slander suit

Kilpatrick was named in a slander lawsuit along with Christine Beatty and police chief Ella Bully-Cummings. The lawsuit was brought about by two police officers that claimed to have been slandered in the media by city officials.[68]

The lawsuit stems from a 2004 incident in which the two police officers pulled over Kilpatrick's chief of staff Christine Beatty for speeding. Beatty was irate at being stopped and bluntly asked the officers, "Do you know who the fuck I am?" when the officers came to the vehicle.[68] While stopped, Beatty called Police Chief Bully-Cummings to have the officers called off, which the officers allege they were ordered to do. When reports of the incident started to surface in the media, Kilpatrick, Beatty and Bully-Cummings all claimed that the traffic stop was some type of "set-up" to harass Beatty.

10) Recall campaign

The Wayne County Election Committee approved a recall petition to remove Kilpatrick as mayor based on the multi-million dollar settlement ($9,000,000+) in a whistle-blower lawsuit against the city, and the accusation that Kilpatrick misled the City Council into approving the settlement. The recall petition was filed by Douglas Johnson, a city council candidate.[71] Kilpatrick has appealed to the commission to reconsider its decision on the grounds that Johnson is not a resident of Detroit.[72] Johnson also requested that Jennifer Granholm use her power as Governor to remove Kilpatrick from office.

On March 12, 2008, at the request of the Mayor's office, Wayne County Election Commission rescinded its earlier approval for the recall. The Mayor's office argued that there was not any evidence that the organizer, Douglas Johnson, actually resided within the city limits of Detroit. Johnson stated that his group would refile using another person whose residency would not be an issue. [73] On March 27, 2008, a second recall petition was filed against Kilpatrick by Angelo Brown. Brown stated in his filing that Kilpatrick is too preoccupied with his legal problems to be effective. Kilpatrick's spokesman James Canning again dismissed this latest recall by saying: "It’s Mr. Brown’s right to file a petition, but it’s just another effort by a political hopeful to grab headlines."[74]

On May 14 the Detroit City Council voted to request that the governor of Michigan, Jennifer Granholm, remove Kilpatrick from office.

And now, breaking news from the New York Times:

DETROIT — Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick, already fighting eight felony charges including perjury, was charged Friday with two felony counts of assaulting or obstructing a police officer. The officer, a sheriff’s deputy, was attempting to serve a subpoena.

Michigan’s attorney general, Mike Cox, announced the new charges one day after Mr. Kilpatrick was sent to jail for violating the terms of his bond by traveling to Canada in July on city business. Each count carries a penalty of up to two years in prison or a $2,000 fine upon a conviction.

“It’s a very straightforward, simple case,” Mr. Cox said. “I cannot recall ever seeing — let alone hearing of — a situation where a police officer trying to serve a subpoena was assaulted.”

Moments before Mr. Cox’s announcement, a circuit court judge, Thomas E. Jackson, allowed the mayor to be released from jail after posting a $50,000 cash bond. He also took away the mayor’s travel privileges and ordered him to wear a global-positioning tether.

But Mr. Kilpatrick, 38, who is in his second term as mayor, could soon be headed back to jail, as assault charges would be another bond violation.

The incident that prompted the new charges happened July 24, a day after Mr. Kilpatrick traveled across the Detroit River to Windsor, Ontario, on city business without court approval, a violation of the terms of his bond in the perjury case. That violation is what prompted Judge Ronald Giles of the 36th District Court in Detroit to have Mr. Kilpatrick sent to the county jail Thursday.

Just look at Google News to see why I'm nominating Marion Barry for Pope.

It's recess, turn out the lights

According to Politico, the House Democrats apparently turned off the lights and microphones on the House Republicans:

House Dems turn out the lights but GOP keeps talking

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and the Democrats adjourned the House and turned off the lights and killed the microphones, but Republicans are still on the floor talking gas prices.

Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) and other GOP leaders opposed the motion to adjourn the House, arguing that Pelosi's refusal to schedule a vote allowing offshore drilling is hurting the American economy. They have refused to leave the floor after the adjournment motion passed at 11:23 a.m. and are busy bashing Pelosi and her fellow Democrats for leaving town for the August recess.

At one point, the lights went off in the House and the microphones were turned off in the chamber, meaning Republicans were talking in the dark. But as Rep. John Shadegg (R-Ariz..) was speaking, the lights went back on, and the microphones were turned on shortly afterward.

But C-SPAN, which has no control over the cameras in the chamber, has stopped broadcasting the House floor, meaning no one is witnessing this except the assembled Republicans, their aides, and one Democrat, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), who has now left.

History will remember this act of awesomeness through iReporter Rep John Culberson (Asshat-R-TX)'s tweets and camera phone video

What's Funnier than a Racist Presidential Candidate?

Why, three racist presidential candidates and a newspaper!

According to the NY Times:

McCain Campaign Says Obama Is ‘Playing the Race Card’

Updated RACINE, Wis. – Senator John McCain’s campaign accused Barack Obama of playing “the race card’’ on Thursday, citing his remarks that Republicans would try to scare voters by pointing out he “doesn’t look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.’’

“Barack Obama has played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck,’’ Rick Davis, Mr. McCain’s campaign manager, said in a statement. “It’s divisive, negative, shameful and wrong.’’

Mr. Davis was alluding to comments that Mr. Obama made Wednesday in Missouri when he reacted to the increasingly negative tone, and negative ads that have been coming his way from the McCain campaign in recent days.

“So nobody really thinks that Bush or McCain have a real answer for the challenges we face, so what they’re going to try to do is make you scared of me,’’ Mr. Obama said Wednesday in Springfield, Mo., in remarks that he echoed throughout the day. “You know, he’s not patriotic enough. He’s got a funny name. You know, he doesn’t look like all those other Presidents on those dollar bills, you know. He’s risky. That’s essentially the argument they’re making.’’

So who made race the issue first? Certainly not the times with this progressive analogy:

The McCain campaign’s decision to make the charge now that Mr. Obama was playing the “race card” comes as it has adopted a far more aggressive, negative posture towards Mr. Obama in recent days, trying to tar him as arrogant, out of touch and unprepared for the presidency with a series of statements by Mr. McCain and a series of negative ads – some of which have been condemned as misleading.

Interesting. For more on that, let's turn to former presidential candidate (and all around friend to negroes everywhere) John Kerry:



What an interesting euphemism. Now, how to work tar baby into casual conversation myself...

Guest List

I invited Barry Hussain Obamawitz to my graduation party:

Senator Obama is invited to join our friends and family to celebrate my college graduation, an event 12 years in the making. Senator Obama might enjoy a different perspective of urban America: a man who moved to the DC region at the age of 20 to work full time and go to school part time. Sometimes, the American dream means contracting in the Office of Administration during the Clinton Administration, and several other high tech jobs to afford a home at the top of the housing market, only to watch it lose 30% of its value in two years. Despite that, one can work full time, go to school part time, and live the American dream just outside the beltway in Tim Caine's Virginia.

Republicans (especially those indicted for accepting bribes or whom violated US civil service laws) will not be admitted.

Check out the awesome autoreply I got back:

Dear John:

Thank you so much for your invitation. Your scheduling request is now in our system and you will be contacted as soon as we know more about Barack's availability.

Please keep in mind that the scheduling team may not be able to determine his availability until 1-2 months before the date of your event. We understand the difficulties this may cause and certainly appreciate your patience.

If you need to follow-up on your invitation before you hear back from us, please call 312/819-2419. Please do not submit follow-up inquiries through the online form or via email.

Thanks again for including Barack in your plans. We'll be in touch!

Team Scheduling
Obama for America
http://www.barackobama.com

Just like you fools, if he comes, his ass needs to fill out my Google Docs RSVP form.

Lady Justice: Was Sighted and Partisan, Now Reactionary and Liberal

Alaska Senator Ted "It's a series of tubes" Stevens was indicted today, so saith the filthy, liberal, New York Times:

WASHINGTON — Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, the longest-serving Republican senator in United States history and a figure of great influence in Washington as well as in his home state, has been indicted on federal charges of failing to report gifts and income.

Mr. Stevens, 84, was indicted on seven felony counts related to renovations on his home in Alaska. The charges arise from an investigation that has been under way for more than a year, in connection with the senator’s relationship with a businessman who oversaw the home-remodeling project.

They could not have indicted a better tool. Enjoy your bridge to nowhere, Teddy!

This must be DOJ's attempt to make up for yesterday's findings that they ILLEGALLY allowed politics to influence hiring decisions:

Senior aides to former Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales broke Civil Service laws by using politics to guide their hiring decisions, picking less-qualified applicants for important nonpolitical positions, slowing the hiring process at critical times and damaging the department’s credibility, an internal report concluded on Monday.

A longtime prosecutor who drew rave reviews from his supervisors was passed over for an important counterterrorism slot because his wife was active in Democratic politics, and a much-less-experienced lawyer with Republican leanings got the job, the report said.

Another prosecutor was rejected for a job in part because she was thought to be a lesbian. And a Republican lawyer received high marks at his job interview because he was found to be sufficiently conservative on the core issues of “god, guns + gays.”

Wherever Ann Coulter is right now, her cock just fell off.

I am in liberal ecstasy right now.

I'm Voting Republican

Watch the video to see why.



Thanks to Mike for passing this on.

NY Governor Spitzer: "Involved" in a Prostitution Ring

From Albany Times Union:

Report: Spitzer involved with prostitution ring
Associated Press Last updated: 2:22 p.m., Monday, March 10, 2008

NEW YORK -- The New York Times is reporting that Gov. Eliot Spitzer has told senior advisers that he had been involved in a prostitution ring.

Spitzer is scheduled to make an announcement Monday afternoon.

Spitzer officials wouldn't immediately comment on the story.

What does "involved" mean? Did he help them file a class action suit against Trojan?

He has been governor for about 20 minutes, and you can expect his resignation by close of business.

Idiot.

Liveblogging: Billiam Clinton @ Mason

Joey and Corey joined me in the Johnson Center at George Mason for Bill Clinton's pre-Potomac Primary rally for his cyborg proto-spouse.

8:53 - left class early for the 9:00pm "start". Wait, didn't Bill make 50 nations wait to get food at McDonald's?
8:58 - Billary's staff: HOMELY
9:08 - found a spot to watch, too bad 1,000 sociopathic Asians think it's Chinese New Year, but instead it's ADA and VIPs only
9:15 - speech from campus democrats about how awesome they are for organizing this awesome event in this not-so-awesome venue. The Patriot Center worked for the final four, but not so much for Clinton.
9:43 - somewhere, the 42nd President is loose, and fat coeds are not safe.
9:50 - **cheers** Blah blah Clinton.
9:56 - "my case for Hillary": cute face, chubby waist, thick legs in shape

9:58 - "signing up poor Hispanics to vote"
9:59 - dumb whore falls off chair she's standing on. crowd cheers.
10:00 - "blah blah" something about Israel

10:01 - "you may remember"...no you don't, you were 8 when it happened
10:02 - "you may think NY is a Democratic state"...
10:04 - "last year she passed the student loan blah blah bill"
10:05 - "mortgage meltdown, recession" -- unbelievable!
10:06 - "90 day mortgage review" -- keep the munthly on ma house. booyah!
10:09 - "raise your hand if you know someone without health care", "the only major nation in world without health care". we know, we can buy the congressional health plan. we know 15 million won't want it. they don't have to. PARETO PRINCIPLE!!! everybody must be covered.
10:15 - "we were poorest first family in 20th century", but the booty calls were amazing
10:17 - vote for Hillary. xoxo
10:18 - "number 2 education. free pre-k, death to no child left behind", even though my wife voted for it.

10:18 - how does NCLB work? MORE TESTS FOR EVERYONE!
10:19 - "our kids are smart". amazing considering facebook.
10:20 - "the tests are a wink and a nod", like my marriage. ;) save the music, arts, and other nerd activities. "we are not good at replicating excellence". "5 tests solve nothing", even though my starbucks franchise example makes no sense (they don't franchise).
10:23 - "make college accessible to all. raise pell grants raise hope scholarship. give young people more opportunities through americorps". direct lending.

10:25 - work in a clinic, loans repaid. AIDS pays. hooray.
10:26 - is it happy hour yet?
10:27 - who can we convince to cut their greenhouse gas? green collar high school dropouts. clean -- green -- snogans.
10:29 - bill [hearts] iphone price cuts.
10:30 - other countries hate us? but...but foreign policy?
10:31 - two new nukes for every boy...except iran. nah nah nah nah nah nah!
10:33 - iraq...yawn. it's hot and crowd is thinning. i need Billary pictures.
10:34 - oh dear, big girl panty line. gross.
10:35 - "suppose your neighbors house burned down", wait that doesn't work. let's discuss how used the military is right now. more marines in afghanistan, if i hd them to send.
10:36 - Hil 4 prez == America is BACK! I have a name for my new facebook group.
10:37 - wrapping up, yawn.

...:::AWAITING FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS:::...

MESSAGE TO EMPEROR CLINTON: Awaiting upload of further instructions.

"What is thy bidding, my master?"

If I had a Time Machine, I'd Fast Forward a Year

According to The Boston Globe, "Giuliani says he'll do in DC what he did in NYC":

In a flurry of images, including a magazine cover about the "rotting of the Big Apple," an announcer gives a litany of the problems facing New York when Giuliani took office: "The world's 17th largest economy. Swimming in red ink. Record crime. Runaway taxes. A million on welfare. That was New York."

Then the announcer adds: "Until Rudy. He cut taxes 9 billion. Welfare 60 percent. Crime in half. The most successful conservative turnaround in 50 years."

I know the guy gets off on Broken Window Theory, but I really don't think the rest of America wants a bossy, Italian father to make then clean their room and go to bed on time.

I was telling a coworker yesterday that if Hillary runs against Rudy, it will be like a Subway Series: imagine the sound of every television in 49 states changing the channel.

But I think there is something to work with here...how about a reality show where Rudy brings his ideas to DC, and Hizzoner brings his ideas to NYC? We'll call it: Trading Mayors.

Mark Warner decides to run for John Warner's Seat

From WaPo:

RICHMOND, Sept. 12 -- Former Virginia Gov. Mark R. Warner will announce in an e-mail to supporters Thursday morning whether he plans to run next year for the Senate seat being vacated by Republican John W. Warner.

As a Virginian, I'm all for this. Think of how many tax dollars will be saved by only replacing half of every nameplate?!

Come to think of it, if we're going with the $VIRGINIA_SENATOR = TO_CHAR($APOSTLE, 4) + "Warner"; -- this would be a good time to spend the $25.00 to get my name changed to LUKE WARNER.