Friday, August 17, 2007

The Problem with Bravo

In January of 1999, HBO brought us The Sopranos, an entirely new twist on the kind of mafia story America was used to. It took the media a while to catch on to the brilliance, and America's interest didn't peak until the third or fourth season.

HBO had decided to create original programming, and found itself a huge hit. How did they decide to follow it up? That's right, with 38 other shows about the Mafia.


::scratches head::

Sorry, that's not right. They created Sex and the City, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Six Feed Under, Mind of the Married Man (bomb!), Oz, The Wire, countless other movies, documentaries, and mini-series (though they'd been doing those for some time).

Changing the channel to Bravo, the picture is a little different. Back in 2003, they created a buzz with their new reality show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. They had been doing those lame (home/people) makeover shows for a while, but prior to Queer Eye, most people only thought of Bravo as that channel you skip over (along with the NASA Channel and the Golf Network) to get from TNT up to Cartoon Network.

Bravo, realizing that they were good at making reality shows continued down this path: Project Runway, Top Chef, Top Design, Shear Genius; reality shows...whose focus were the chosen careers of homosexuals.

You see, Bravo does not understand that they're in the business of creating reality shows, they think they're in the business of homosexual reality shows.

I started to come to this realization over the last cycle of Top Chef and Runway (my first season of either) when they were replaced with Top Design and then Shear Genius. I made it through 10 minutes of the first episode of Top Design when I realized it wasn't for me, and the commercials for Shear Genius were enough to keep me watching Law & Order reruns for months. I finally started watching Top Chef again about mid-way through the current season, and then Bravo finally gave me the big reveal on it's dastardly plan for total domination of gay reality television:

Welcome to the Parker

Which is set in Palm Springs, but they need to remind you or you'd think it was set in the Swiss Alps and staffed by strange Eastern European homos.

And Bravo's crown jewel, the gayest show on television: Flipping Out:

Two fudge-packing business partners flip houses in the Los Angeles suburbs. One of has three assistants, and made one take his cat to the acupuncturist...

Let that percolate for a acupuncturist...

and in the most recent episode, it was decided that their current psychic, who cleanses their houses before they are put up for sale, isn't right for them. They interviewed and hired a new psychic, then they cleansed a house.


My apologies to the entire gay community, because that is far more bizarre than gay, and these two fruits are so nutty that I doubt they'd be welcome at pride. Still, Bravo's commitment to the homosexual agenda of hygiene, cuisine, fashion, and now commerce cannot be ignored.

There is a Lewis Black skit about Rick Santorum and gay banditos:

It makes me wonder if the only place Bravo has to go from here is a reality show called Banditos: Two homosexicans wander from village to dell, don colorful robs and masks, sneak into the house of a young American family, and start fucking each other in the ass.

If Aliens are monitoring our television broadcasts, please spare us further shame and incinerate this worthless planet already.

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