Saturday, January 28, 2006

Richardsville: Have your wedding in the suburbs of beautiful Culpeper, Virginia

In the kind of "prime time reunion" not seen since Growing Pains, the vast majority of the Rock-It Grill crew reunited today to witness the blessed union of our favorite waitress, Claire, and her gun-toting groom David. Of couse, by "witness" I mean we heard the last five minutes of the ten minute ceremony from the front porch of the Richardsville Rescue Squad building:

" the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost."

Didn't the Holy Ghost change his name in the 1940s?

"By the power invested in me, by the state of Virginia..."

Joey suspects that the pastor was really an actor from the Richardsville Community Theatre.

The last time this crew got together was the infamous Redneck BBQ at Claire and David's house in Culpepper. While it was unfortunate that DJ Laurie B couldn't join us from Pennsyltucky, there was definately enough representation from both Old School Rock-It as well as Rock-It Grill: The Fresh Meat.

Above: Brett, Joey, Christina, and Chris Harrison

While many, many, many inappropriate thoughts came to mind during the course of our 258 minutes of stationary existance in Culpepper, I'll share a few that stood out:

"Ten bucks says there will be Doritos at the reception." and then ten minutes later, "shit, it looks like I win."

"You know, in this Rescue Squad Building, with this particular crowd, if you face away from the bride and groom you'd swear you were at a Weight Watcher's meeting."

"Claire's entire family is an ad for breast reduction. It's too bad cousin Punky Brewster couldn't make it."

Claire happens to spend a lot of time on my least-favorite website ever, MySpace. This photo is of her daughter and their friends, or as was pointed out more than once, Claire's "top 8" on MySpace.

There were these Crayola wedding-themed coloring books for all of the kids. My cousin Chris, in an attempt to start trouble, brought one over to me and asked me to change all the captions. There was one with an empty plate and glass which I titled "Where's my dinner, bitch?". Another of a child bride and groom with their backs to each other, "About my bachelor party last night...they have a cure for herpes now, right?". Another of an adult bride and groom dancing together, "David, as soon as you done-shot my boo, I knew you was the man I had to marry." We gave it to Claire as she was on her way into the bathroom to take the garter off. Joey asked her from outside the bathroom, "What do you think?" and her response was, "it's impossible to pee when you're laughing this hard."

Brett caught (picked up off the floor) the garter, Christina caught the bouquet (after it bounced off Joey's chest), the bridal party graced us with the worst rendition of The Theme From Titanic ever (during which I moved the car closer to the building), Joey sang one more song, and we were back in the car for our 68 mile trip back to Leesburg.

A definate contrast to Jennifer and Justin's wedding in October.


Anonymous said...

The FUNNIEST. Blog. EVER. If only someone had been shot! ~ Joey

Harrison said...

as ALWAYS, a treat to read John's prose...carry on, Montesque

thecardaddy said...

i wish i could let this one slide, but i can't. its culpeper.

the Alpha John said...


Gee Andrew, how do you know how to spell "Culpeper", anyway? When Chris yelled "mazel tov" all these rednecks looked at us kinda funny, so it's not like it the bagel capital of the DC metro area.

thecardaddy said...

i know how to spell everything. and i make it a point to know how to spell redneck towns, since i kinda like that sort of thing.

Anonymous said...

That looks like my house! G-spOt