Science finally explains my relationship problems

From Forbes of all places:

Lesbians react differently to the powerful sexual chemicals called pheromones than heterosexual women do, a new Swedish study finds.

However, lesbians don't respond to pheromones in exactly the same way as heterosexual men do, said study author Dr. Ivanka Savic, an associate professor of clinical neuroscience at the Stockholm Brain Institute.

Is it possible that I just produce the wrong kind of pheromones? Can I get my scent gland removed like a ferret?

But the entire fascinating article is succinctly summarized:

The new research suggests that "female sexuality is quite different than male sexuality," he said.

And in other news, the sky is blue.

Wow, blogger is back up

This bitch is up and down like a circus seal. How the fuck is someone supposed to blog under these conditions?

Nooch

Manorexia and boylemia

Where do these people come from? And why do I always see them?

I was shaving in the lockerroom at the gym this morning, and in walks a guy who is borderline manorexic (pretty thin for somebody who works out), and he proceeds into a stall and starts throwing up.

Now this is not "I drank too much last night and am working out too hard" boot, nor is this "3000 calories of whey protein should not be downed before I get on the treadmill" regurgitation, this is a very light "Silly goose! No Egg McMuffins! Naughty!" upchuck. It's the sound of a boylemic purging away his poor choice from a short time ago.

By the time I showered and got dressed, he was back upstairs cranking through a workout like a man posessed. Score one for gender equality.

Personal Days

This past semester was probably one of the most difficult in my academic career. It's a sad statement -- I only took 5 credits, and how hard can Calculus II be the third time around? It wasn't difficult because of the material (fuck, a smart high school kid can ace this class), it wasn't difficult because of all the hours I had to put in, or the tutor I had to get. What made this semester so hard was to devote so much of my prescious time doing something I'm not good at, that I will never be good at, that only serves to wear away at my self esteem.

Whether I get the F I earned (how does one earn an F?) or my professor takes pity on me and pushes though a D, there is only a minor change in my academic course. Either situation is tollerable, but I've been waiting a week to find out which course I need to chart. If I had known in January that I didn't need this class, I would have taken a fluff class and enjoyed myself a whole lot more.

Whatever. The whole ordeal is over, before I can move on and return to the grind I need to rest. I'm done fool. Finished. Fried. There is no wick, there is no wax, there is no candle to burn at both ends.

With only a week and a half between Spring Semester and Summer Term, and my "annual trip to Europe" coffers drained from the pay cut that my new job affords me, my much deserved vacation will have to be confined to the greater Fairfax City metro area. That, and the meetings I can't miss on Tuesday and Thursday at work mean I can only have Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

I decided to use my three remaining personal days to catch up on things and with people before it all starts over again on May 15th:

• Stain the french doors


• Powerwash and stain the deck (though I doubt there will be time)


• Take the used oil the previous owners left to county hazardous waste


• Refill both propane tanks for the grill


• Finish the molding in the hall and master bedroom so the fucking carpet can be put down


• Dinner with Virginia (been putting off since February)


• Dentist Appointment


• 30k Service on my car


• Lunch with Lisa

Of course, some things snuck on the list: Paul van Dyk at Nation Thursday, the trunk on my car not closing (forcing the 30k service), and an interview on Wednesday for a job I really wasn't looking for or planning on.

My checklist is long, and this week is going to be insane, but my only hope is when it's all over I'll have a sense of being all caught up.

Of Crack Whores and Trannies

Apparently it was an exciting night on Craigslist:





I fear for society.

Science :: Turning boy parts into girl parts

In honor of "National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy", Slate ran this article which suggests that the drop in teen pregnancy has less to do with safe sex and more to do with the feminization of human males due to environmental pollution:

What, though, if the drop in teen pregnancy isn't a good thing, or not entirely? What if there's a third explanation, one that has nothing to do with just-say-no campaigns or safe-sex educational posters? What if teenagers are less fertile than they used to be?

Not the girls—the boys?

[...]

The great sperm-count debate began in 1992, when a group of Danish scientist published a study suggesting that sperm counts declined globally by about 1 percent a year between 1938 and 1990. This study postulated that "environmental influences," particularly widely used chemical compounds with an impact like that of the female hormone estrogen, might be contributing to a drop in fertility among males. If true, this was obviously an alarming development, particularly given that human sperm counts are already strikingly low compared to almost any other species. "Humans have the worst sperm except for gorillas and ganders of any animal on the planet," points out Sherman Silber, a high-profile urologist who attributes this in part to short-term female monogamy. Since one man's sperm rarely has to race that of another man to the finish, things like speed and volume are less important in human sperm than in other animals, permitting a certain amount of atrophy among humans.

[...]

Among the evidence presented are several trends that seem to point to a subtle feminization of male babies: a worldwide rise in hypospadias, a birth defect in which the urethral opening is located on the shaft of the penis rather than at the tip; a rise in cryptorchidism, or undescended testicles; and experiments Swan has done showing that in male babies with high exposure to compounds called phthalates, something called the anogenital distance is decreasing. If you measure the distance from a baby's anus to the genitals, the distance in these males is shorter, more like that of...girls.

Huh. And here I was going to blog this morning about (what I perceive to be) the astronomical increase in casual sex as a result of the internet (vis a vie craigslist, myspace, but certainly not facebook since that encourages people to "poke" each other).

Generou$ with compliments

Mike: well that's smart
theAlphaJohn: smart is one of the many adjectives used to describe me
Mike: oh really?
theAlphaJohn: people also use wise
theAlphaJohn: thoughtful
theAlphaJohn: energetic
theAlphaJohn: generous
Mike: generous? Or generou$ (with a dollar sign)
theAlphaJohn: ...
Mike: You do spend a lot of time on craigslist
theAlphaJohn: ><
theAlphaJohn: I hate you

Counting Crows tickle my fancy

I fired up iTunes a few minutes ago set it to play my "Top Rated" songs randomly. The first song it chose was a live version of "Rain King" by Counting Crows at The George Washington Smith Center in October of 2002. I was at the concert with Trevin (2002 was the year of the concert for both of us I think) and picked up the bootleg about six months later.

This is probably my favorite live song ever: in the interlude before the last verse, the band performs all of "Raining in Baltimore" to the tune of Rain King. Right about the 3 minute mark you can hear the change over, and as soon as Adam belts out the first line you can clearly here my stupid-ass scream at the top of my lungs. And once you recognize my scream, you'll pick it out many other times in the song.

Anyway, have a listen for yourself:

Zombie Vampire [Fighting/Flying] Ponies

My boss Tom, who's working out his notice, took a few moments today to help me brainstorm about using crazy ideas for creative problem solving:

Short-timer Tom: Hey you have to try out some of the crazy ideas as well.
theAlphaJohn: those are my favorite
theAlphaJohn: especially when they don't work
Short-timer Tom: Like having a uni-pony ;-). Or a uni-pony jumping on a moon-bounce?
theAlphaJohn: that's the point tom -- i need the moon bounce so the pony has something to do when i'm at work. now pony knees aren't designed for bouncing, but hopefully evolution will kick in
Short-timer Tom: Assuming that there are "jumps" in evolution (pun intended) that would allow the knees to evolve in a generation or two.
theAlphaJohn: exactly
theAlphaJohn: think how much more excited little girls would be at jumping ponies?
theAlphaJohn: then parents wouldn't need both a pony and a moon bounce
Short-timer Tom: Too f'ing funny. I can image the Saturday morning commercials for that one.
Short-timer Tom: My Little Jumping Pony. Only available at Wal-Mart.
theAlphaJohn: gross
theAlphaJohn: my ponies will be genetically engineered to rage against walmart
Short-timer Tom: Could it be that there will the maniacal, jumping, killer, robot ponies for the boys?
theAlphaJohn: oh!
theAlphaJohn: with armored head-mounted water cannons?
Short-timer Tom: Cool! I like that. Of course you have to have the remote control rocket launcher saddle attachment.
theAlphaJohn: can we breed them so the pony patties are toxic?
theAlphaJohn: and make them unkillable? and then make them zombies?
Short-timer Tom: Then they will take over the world! Great!
theAlphaJohn: "Unkillable Zombie Bouncing Fight-Ponies"
theAlphaJohn: The first rule of pony fight club? never talk about pony fight club
Short-timer Tom: Of course we will have to have the "Night of the Living Zombie Robot Ponies". The new movie that will scare the living daylights out of you.
theAlphaJohn: but it would be a reality show
theAlphaJohn: and some celebrity could host it
Short-timer Tom: Yes, that's the point. There really is no escape. Bwa ha ha ha!
theAlphaJohn: it would be on animal planet, and they'd go from city to city watching little boys have mock battles with their zombie fight-ponies
theAlphaJohn: like living anime it would be
Short-timer Tom: Hmmm. Kind of like Yugio but with real life zombie Pony-Pal ponies.
theAlphaJohn: trying to put together a breeding program for this will be hard
theAlphaJohn: but in five generations i want "painted vampie zombie fight ponies". they can drink the blood of neighbor children
Short-timer Tom: Of course we would want to cross bat genes into the breeding so that the vampire ponies can fly.
theAlphaJohn: maybe i can get the red cross to lend VC to the project if the ponies cut the RC in on their blood ... uh...consumption? donation?
theAlphaJohn: !!!
theAlphaJohn: don't be ridiculous tom
theAlphaJohn: flying vampire zombie bouncing fight ponies?
theAlphaJohn: that's too many adjectives
theAlphaJohn: i can't market that shit
Short-timer Tom: LOL.
Short-timer Tom: How about Vampire Zombie Bouncing Flight Ponies. Just change Fight to Flight and you are all set.
theAlphaJohn: i can't get the rich bitches of mclean to buy that up?
theAlphaJohn: maybe if we offer two lines
theAlphaJohn: for the girls: ponies who fly
theAlphaJohn: err for boys: ponies who fight
theAlphaJohn: but no teeth, only fangs
Short-timer Tom: We have to think long term here. There are going to be many pony lines. We have to keep our eye on the market to see what it is people really want. I mean, we can have the flying/fighting ponies for the kids, but maybe there is an adult line as well.
theAlphaJohn: we're dangerously close to katherine the great here tom
theAlphaJohn: maybe we should quit while we're ahead

I just wish I knew what problem we were trying to solve...?

Steven Colbert roasts Bush at Correspondents Dinner

Steven Colbert clearly needs a forklift to carry his balls around: