Toss Both Sides of the Aisle into the Potomac

I've read quite a bit in the past 36 hours about partisan politics, and I've decided it's time to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Yesterday, The Washington Post ran an article called"When Partisan Venom Didn't Rule", a lovely tale about my least-favorite president, and the perfect, self-less act that Tip O'Neill made after he came out of surgery.

Today I read quite a bit about Hill Staffers defacing the bios of the opposition on Wikipedia. Wonkette has this excellent writeup of everything, but if you want to judge for yourself read Congressional Staffer Edits and the Statement of Dispute

I decided to shoot an email to the author of the Post article:

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2006 13:02:36 -0500
To: davidbroder@washpost.com
Subject: When Partisan Venom Didn't Rule

Wouldn't it have been nice if you tied your story together with the
mess going on with Hill Staffers defacing the bios of the opposition
on Wikipedia?

It's time to reboot America. Trafficant was right, beam me up.

I will not be enjoying the State of the Union tonight, I have to wash my hair. It's hard enough nailing down your message, but having to remove all the three syllable words and greater from it has to be worse than listening to that giant Muppet deliver it.

Problem: 8 millions babies per year born with birth defects

Solution? Let's try and cut human breeding in 2006 by 8 million babies. It's either that, or eugenics (which you wusses think is anathema to the human condition).

A Message to my Blog-Reading, Dotted Line Boss Tom

Dear Tom,

How is it that every single time you've walked into my office in the past two days, iTunes was spinning "If I Get Locked Up Tonight" (featuring Eminem, Dr. Dre, Big Kap, and Funkmaster Flex)? In fact, as I'm typing this, you just walked by as Eminem coos at me:

Anyway I got down with Dre (What up?)
The first man who taught me how the glock sounded to spray
Running up and down the street screaming, "Fuck the Police"
when you still had your mother's fucking Nipple stuck in your teeth
(fucking baby) Became a role model after Colorado
Now all they do is follow me around and holla Bravo!

It's odd, because according to iTunes, I've listened to eleventeen-hundred songs in the past 36 hours. I'm starting to think that you've hacked my playlist because you're trying out some walking music. If that's the case, I always imagine "One Shot 2 Shot" playing when you roll by:

Believe me I'm leavin a carcus today
I'ma park my car and walk the rest of the way
I'm in the mood to strut, my AK ain't even tuck
I'ma meet you at the club we gon' fuck these hoes up

Assuming, of course, you change "AK" to "Oracle Discoverer" and "fuck these hoes up" with "hold the door for these darling young communications majors in their sorority sweatshirts".

With Big Ups,
The Alpha John

My New Vanity Plate?

From the George Mason Student Handbook:

George Mason vs. James Madison Rivalry

The Patriots and Dukes, located just 95 miles apart, annually meet head to head to compete in 18 sports. Both schools are members of the 10-school Colonial Athletic Association.

With students from many local high schools attending the two universities, the matches offer opportunities for friendly competition between former classmates and often serve as natural high school reunions. As one of the best in-state rivalries, George Mason and James Madison basketball games are hard to match in spirit and intensity. After a James Madison loss, George Mason students can be heard chanting "66 West, 81 South" in reference to how the losers drive home.

Richardsville: Have your wedding in the suburbs of beautiful Culpeper, Virginia

In the kind of "prime time reunion" not seen since Growing Pains, the vast majority of the Rock-It Grill crew reunited today to witness the blessed union of our favorite waitress, Claire, and her gun-toting groom David. Of couse, by "witness" I mean we heard the last five minutes of the ten minute ceremony from the front porch of the Richardsville Rescue Squad building:


"...in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost."

Didn't the Holy Ghost change his name in the 1940s?

"By the power invested in me, by the state of Virginia..."

Joey suspects that the pastor was really an actor from the Richardsville Community Theatre.


The last time this crew got together was the infamous Redneck BBQ at Claire and David's house in Culpepper. While it was unfortunate that DJ Laurie B couldn't join us from Pennsyltucky, there was definately enough representation from both Old School Rock-It as well as Rock-It Grill: The Fresh Meat.

Above: Brett, Joey, Christina, and Chris Harrison

While many, many, many inappropriate thoughts came to mind during the course of our 258 minutes of stationary existance in Culpepper, I'll share a few that stood out:

"Ten bucks says there will be Doritos at the reception." and then ten minutes later, "shit, it looks like I win."

"You know, in this Rescue Squad Building, with this particular crowd, if you face away from the bride and groom you'd swear you were at a Weight Watcher's meeting."

"Claire's entire family is an ad for breast reduction. It's too bad cousin Punky Brewster couldn't make it."


Claire happens to spend a lot of time on my least-favorite website ever, MySpace. This photo is of her daughter and their friends, or as was pointed out more than once, Claire's "top 8" on MySpace.

There were these Crayola wedding-themed coloring books for all of the kids. My cousin Chris, in an attempt to start trouble, brought one over to me and asked me to change all the captions. There was one with an empty plate and glass which I titled "Where's my dinner, bitch?". Another of a child bride and groom with their backs to each other, "About my bachelor party last night...they have a cure for herpes now, right?". Another of an adult bride and groom dancing together, "David, as soon as you done-shot my boo, I knew you was the man I had to marry." We gave it to Claire as she was on her way into the bathroom to take the garter off. Joey asked her from outside the bathroom, "What do you think?" and her response was, "it's impossible to pee when you're laughing this hard."

Brett caught (picked up off the floor) the garter, Christina caught the bouquet (after it bounced off Joey's chest), the bridal party graced us with the worst rendition of The Theme From Titanic ever (during which I moved the car closer to the building), Joey sang one more song, and we were back in the car for our 68 mile trip back to Leesburg.

A definate contrast to Jennifer and Justin's wedding in October.

Boo Got Shot

In preparation for today's Redneck Wedding, I bring you the infamous audio clip of Boo Got Shot.

Did we get a new Internet while I was at lunch?

I just downloaded 833MB from Apple in less than a ninety seconds. WTF??

The only car worse than a Gold Dodge Stratus

I dropped the WRX off at the body shop this afternoon. I don't know why they're not making the payment on it since they have it more than I do.

I got to Enterprise to pick up my rental, and USAA had not booked one for me. They called over to Brown's and they put it on their account until Eric the manager straightens that out.

Enterprise put me into a Grey Chevy Montecarlo. I want to know what salty, red state, riverboat casino gambling grandmother was deprived of that turd by Enterprise. What a stupid car.

Another Bug in Google News

That is way more Bill Gates than I need before finishing my morning coffee.

The Saddest Day in Robot History

Sony is apparently putting an end to it's line of entertainment robots. That means that unless Fluffy breeds with Coinstar, this could be the end of robot kind.