Circus Fat

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, fans of all ages...Kenneth Feld and Nicole Feld are proud to present: the all new 135th edition of Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Baily Circus



[explosion]



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My friend Erica (who works in Ringling Public Relations) was good enough to comp me a ticket for the circus last Thursday at the Patriot Center. The timing was good considering my Calc class was cancelled and I didn't need to be at Fur for Paul Oakenfold until 11:00pm, so I met Erica and promptly made signs for the news crew while we waited for the rest of her friends to show up: "Ringling kills animals dead", "Feld ruined Pottker's life", and "Serkus is a sin".

I was keyed into the music for the most part, including the Ringling musicians rendition of "Who let the dogs out?" (presumably because they didn't want to pay full royalties to the Baha Men...). The most exciting part was halfway through the show when the band played the Circus Fat theme, which is a cue for kids to beg their parents for more overpriced sugar-substance.

I was glad I didn't see a million former coworkers while I was there, it was nice just to kind of chill with my crew and not be hassled by the multitudes of FELD-bots.

the Alpha John's "No need for research" axiom

In a crowd of emotionally invested people one need not know the subject matter -- simply infer from your surroundings.

Two fine new blogs

As spotted on Wonkette...

DC Bachelor

"WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? By Sally

A primer for the ladies.

I can tell you why you are not meeting men and why you will eventually spend approximately 5% of your entire life span bitching about how you can’t seem to meet men and asking where to meet them.

Somewhere along the line, women got retarded. It’s like a college education and more opportunities in the workplace made us all stupider in the natural laws of attraction. What I’m going to tell you is solid gold, and if you disagree, then you’re an idiot, and will probably die alone.

1. First of all, why are you turning down social invitations? I hear this all the time from women. "I’m too tired" or "I have to go let my dog out" or "I really have to wash clothes" … really? All of these things are more important than potentially meeting an attractive, eligible man? If you get invited to do something, even if it sounds lame, GO. You’re not going to meet men sitting on your couch in your PJs watching a "Project Runway" marathon. If you live out of town, find friends who live in the District who will let you crash on their couch if you go out at night...and learn the art of walk-of-shame shopping. As a codicil, if you are double- or triple-booked, try to go to everything, if even for only 10 minutes."

First Date DC

March 29, 2006 -- Don’t make love to me
301was310 writes, "The words, "make love" turn me off - is there something wrong with me?

My issue is this: if a guy acts romantic or says anything resembling, "make love," I am completely turned off. I really just want to "fuck"; don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on wanting to date the person or even get serious with them. In fact, I usually do want to date them if I am attracted to them sexually. It’s just that when it comes to sex, I like it dirty. Overtly romantic gestures or a guy saying something like, "I want to make love to you" actually makes me feel physically ill and I am no longer attracted to the person. Does that mean i am really f-ed up? Am I doomed to be single forever?"

[...]

DCB says, "I love you. God this is what I’m talking about: a sexy girl who just likes to have sex.

The reason guys like to give you oral is because they think it’s the only way they can hook you. They are not confident that their man snake can give you enough pleasure to get a second try. Instead of wasting time how to pleasure a woman orally, a man should know how to use the snake to its fullest potential, unless of course you are the disgraceful owner of a micropenis. Drop me an email the next time you are in DC."

As a bonus, DC Bachelor's "Best of" include DC Puppy Rental Service and Housing Crunch (or, would someone from Craigslist actually rent my laundry room?)

I h@x0r3d my new Motorola E815

Verizon disables OBEX profiles on their cell phones, which means bluetooth only works for the headset and you have to use their (for cost) service to transfer files on/off your phone.

I didn't like the prospect of that...not so much.

I checked out a couple websites on how to edit the seem data, Inetron and Nuclear Elephant. Editing the seem requires a special USB data cable from Motorola, so I ordered that off eBay and it arrived yesterday.

I had a few glitches along the way getting my Windows machine to recognize the phone (all of the stupid Motorola tools and the seem editor are Windows apps), but once I did I was downloading the pictures off my phone over bluetooth in less than 5 minutes.

Now I can upload pictures from yesterday's Circus Rave. I am so fucking 1337, I'm going to go h@x0r the Gibson now.

Larranaga Says No to Seton Hall

From the Washington Post:

Yesterday morning, Larranaga was a guest speaker at the Northern Virginia Technology Council's Titans of Technology breakfast, featuring AOL co-founder Steve Case and Sen. George Allen (R-Va.). Larranaga jokingly referred to the breakfast as the first George Mason basketball fundraiser of the new season. He said he was "very privileged and honored to be working at George Mason University" and called the Washington region "the greatest area in the world."

That's right big Jim...my fucking moon bounce isn't going to pay for itself.

My maniac sister disowns me

I fucking hate my family.

It's 3:00am and I should be asleep, but I'm not. My sister called me at 1:00am and accused me of hacking her computer (and claims I've been doing it for years), then hung up on me and called our mother. She was not making sense when she called me, hence the spastic reply:

Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2006 03:08:54 -0400
From: the Alpha John
To: Amy (the Alpha John's sister)
Cc: Pat (the Alpha John's mother)

Regarding your phone call:

-I did not hack, crack, or make any sort of connection to any computer you were talking about. That includes any of yours (plural) and whomever this third computer belongs to (someone who works at Navteq, I suspect Kirk?). I don't have the interest, skills or the time.

-I have never infected any computer with any virus. Don't have the time, don't have the skills, and I'm philosophically opposed to any viral code whose payload affects the size of the original object (which requires far more assembler then I've ever cared to dabble in).

-Navteq is not a government entity, they are a publicly traded company with government contracts (http://finance.google.com/finance?q=navteq&btnG=Search)

-Of all the days of the week I could have hacked a computer, today was not one of them. I can account for every minute of my day from when I woke to when I got home. I spent the entire day connected to George Mason's network (which, as your can imagine, has extensive logging on what I did today). I worked all day on three different projects (which could not have been done ahead) and peppered my work out to people through email all day. I was at the gym before work, the pool right after work, and wasn't home and back on the computer until after 9:30pm.

-I would need to see whatever logfiles you claim implicate me, but logfiles can be manufactured. I'm sure when Navteq decides to persue this they will subpoena me, my ISP (which, to save time, is speakeasy.net), and my employer and collect all our logfiles only to find what I've known most of my life...you're nuts.

-You made a comment about be knowing you were/weren't coming/going to New York when we met up. I was in NYC every Saturday for six weeks, which you knew. You were the one who told me you were going to be there and that we could meet up. There was no change of plans that you made that I should not have been aware of but was.

When you called me tonight, you sounded like an absolute mental patient Amy. You woke me (and then mom) up, you were clearly upset but rambled incoherently, then you said "I have to go" and hung on me.

I want to be clear about something, and you can take it however you want but there is no anger when I say this: this faux relationship that you and I have is a product of your making. Your life -- the way you behave, how you treat people, your lifestyle -- is of no interest to me at all. You are not a nice person, you never have been, and to let you any closer than arms-length would be a mistake. I care more about the pictures on Paris Hilton's Sidekick than I do about your email, and for you to think that I would do something illegal (even potentially illegal) to find out who you forwarded some Yahoo news article...you are out of your god-damned mind.

You told me tonight that I'm not your brother anymore, which is fine. You need to understand that you haven't been my sister...I dunno ever. I'm not going to pretend to be interested in you because we're related. Don't get mad, don't reply to this email, just lose my address and number and go away. There are plenty of people from high school and college I haven't talked to in years and will never see again -- let's just chalk each other up to that and call it a day.

This is the last direct communication I will ever have with you: if you call me again, I will hang up. If you email me, I will delete it. I don't care if you get married, end up single, have a kid or a terminal illness. Don't contact me, I'm not your brother anymore.

How to Defeat a MySpace Addiction

The Lawson Guru himself John Henley spotted this article about defeating a MySpace addiction and shot it my way. A couple highlights include:

• Stop communicating with people through MySpace and correspond with only those you know, as fellow addicts only contribute to your problem. If you don't want to cut them off completely, consider just taking the friendships that you value off of MySpace. Get their phone numbers, email addresses, AIM screen names, ICQ numbers, or any other information that may be a way of contacting them outside of MySpace. (See Tips.)


• Print out your page. You've probably personalized it and tweaked it to reflect your personality. In a way, it's a work of art that you created. You don't want it to be lost forever, so save a copy in print. Having a hard copy will make it easier to let go of your profile online.

While this is a nice first crack and bringing an end to MySpace addition, I doubt people will stop going to MySpace until it stops being cool and some new tard-mating site pops up.

What I really need to do is invent the next MySpace and cash out. The problem is coming up with a name that NetNanny won't block, because I suspect FantasyBoyScouts.com and eFrottage.net aren't going to make the cut.

Are you going to see Oakenfold?

via email:

theAlphaJohn: Are you going to see Oakenfold?
George: crap, i forgot this was coming up. you down?
theAlphaJohn: yeah. BTW (cause Kristin and i were just looking at it):
PLEASE NOTE:
Gum, Glow Sticks, and/or Audio/Video Recorders Are Not Permitted
DRESS CODE: DRESS SMART.
Dress to Impress - No Athletic wear, no rugged wear, no boots, no timberlands, no hats, no sneakers, no shorts, no flip-flops, and no baggy jeans.
George: it's like they just kicked me out. shit.
theAlphaJohn: remember how much shit that hooker who worked the door at avalon gave you?
George: yeah, i'd have to find my shoes.
theAlphaJohn: i promise not to tell hollister. i wouldn't want you to lose your endorsement deal.
George: i had to google that.
theAlphaJohn: Why? You lived it.
George: i am uber retarded.
theAlphaJohn: lol. prob just too much time on myspace clickity-clicking for little anime-fangirls to worship you

Mason Loses to Florida

Just another reason to despise the banana republic.

23 hours and 59 minutes to go...

until April Fools day is over.

George: what did you do to slashdot??

This is much better than an entire day of fake postings.